The Aloft Blog

Feeling all the things!

Over the last few weeks, there has been a confluence of things that have been….shall we say…..stressing me out.

I have spent the last year serving on the search committee for a new minister at my church. It has been an intense project and one that is about to draw to a close. I am so grateful that I was chosen for this task and I’m glad I said yes. That said, it doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been a lot of work and energy. As we’re coming to an end, there have been a lot of balls to juggle to pull this off and it has really begun to wear on me. It will be fine, the final week will be a great success but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a cost.

When I have shared with some friends that I have been worried about this....when I have shared that I have lost some sleep over the logistics....when I share that I am absolutely stressed out – I have been surprisingly met not with empathy but a cavalier attitude that I shouldn’t be worried, it will be fine, don’t sweat it.

Huh.

Frankly? That attitude has pissed me the hell off. I spent the vast, vast majority of my life not feeling my feelings. Ignoring them, stuffing them down – not being willing to feel discomfort. Over the last 3 or so years, I have worked very hard to learn to identify and more importantly to be ok with feeling bad. Feeling bad isn’t a problem in and of itself. Wallowing in it for an extended period of time may be a bit much depending on the situation but bad feelings alone are not only ok but they are important. They are a valuable part of the full expression of the human experience.

Three years ago I was at my lowest. I really couldn’t see very much good in my life but I have worked incredibly hard to get a place where I am happy in my life and I am happy with who I am. That doesn’t mean though that there are things that I don’t like. It doesn’t mean that I don’t get frustrated about things at work, things in my home etc. It doesn’t mean that I am not choosing to see the good, it doesn’t mean that I am focusing on the bad. It simply means that I am frustrated by a situation and I have feelings about it. I know that I live a really great life. I am lucky to be who I am and where I am. That doesn’t mean though that I don’t have bad days - that I don’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed, that don’t get tired of situations that I am unable to change.

I think it is the denying of those feelings that is the problem. It isn’t feeling them – it isn’t owning them, working through them and moving on that is the problem – the problem would be ignoring them and that is something that I absolutely no longer choose to do.

Learning to walk the tightrope

Almost 2 years ago, I wrote this post.  

Last night before bed I was flipping through TV and "The Fault In Our Stars" was on tv and I got sucked in (shhhhhh, it's a good movie!) and I thought back to the post I had written about it previously.  I thought about where I was when I wrote that post.  I was about 3 months past a pretty big heartbreak and one I was still recovering from at that time (which is part of why I think the movie hit me so hard). I was absolutely nowhere near being in a place to date and I knew that for my head and my heart, I needed to take some time, figure out who I truly was and what I truly wanted in order to find someone who would complement my life in the ways that I wanted and deserved.

I still really like the line that I highlighted in that post:  "You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you." 

It is true, we do have a great say in who we open our hearts and lives to.  But in that say there is a lot of risk inherent in the process.  While we may choose to trust that everyone in the world operates with the same level of authenticity and integrity that we do, the sad reality is that many fall very, very short.  I spent close to a year with a man who didn't just fall short of my level of integrity but spent a year lying to me, lying about me and wasting both my time and my love.  Once all of the deceit came to light, getting over him got extraordinarily easy - it's difficult to still love someone who spoke so poorly of you to others just to serve their own needs.  

However, as I find myself back in the dating world, looking for that real thing that I thought I had found, I find myself having to balance on the tightrope of still being who I am, maintaining my openness and my love while realizing that my gut actually knows a lot more than I have sometimes given it credit for.  Dating can create a lot of humorous stories but it also can create a lot of frustration and disappointment but it is part of the process and what is required in order to find a romantic relationship and if that's what you want (and it is what I want) then you have to run the gauntlet.  The key is to maintain who you are through the gauntlet, even when it isn't necessarily easy. 

Place I call home...*

City of brotherly love
Place I call home
Don't turn your back on me
I don't want to be alone
Love lasts forever.

I remember so vividly going to see "Philadelphia" at the movie theater on Main St. in Newark, DE.  Honestly, I am so sucked into any film that takes place in or references Philadelphia.  I have had a theory for years that Philly would be a premier city.....it it was in Kansas.  But being wedged between the largest city in the US and our nation's capitol has often made it the step child of cities.  Philly is amazing.  We have some of the best art, history and food that you will ever find.  And it is a totally manageable city.  In fact, when my step-sisters who live and breathe NYC visit, they have said "wow, I could live here."

Right now I am sitting in a Starbucks at the corner of Locust and 15th St.  I keep looking at the snowy/salty streets and I can feel the cold push in through the windows. And I can't imagine being anywhere else.

I have had a not at all subtle love affair with Seattle for a long time - since 1996 to be exact.  The moment when I landed there, I felt home in a way that I had never felt home before.  I toyed with moving there in 1997, in 2006, in 2008 and again in 2013.  And yet, I never do.  Just yesterday, my best friend suggested that I ponder it again and while I did for a split second, I didn't really.  If I could move everyone I love to Seattle?  Perhaps.  If I could move everyone I love in Seattle to Philadelphia?  Perhaps.  

But more than that, I don't think I can leave Philadelphia.  While I am a suburbs girl, I will say with full passion that I am a Philly girl - born and raised.  I wrote about this last spring on a trip home from NYC.  As I pulled into 30th St. station, I was so relieved to be home - in the city that I know so well.  In the city that is home.  

Philly isn't perfect - no city is. We have many of the problems of large cities but we also have so many wonderful treasures.  There are places and parts of this city that will always be home.  And it is a knowing - a knowing of belonging, a knowing of place and a knowing of home.

Perhaps one day I will wind up in Seattle.  Only time shall tell.  If I was going to be anywhere else, that's where I'd be but for now?  Philly is my home and for that I am eternally grateful.  

Even if I am freezing my tookus off today.

*"Philadelphia" - Neil Young

I feel like if someone were to touch me, I'd dissolve into molecules.

This title comes from one of my favorite movies - "Before Sunset".  

The other day I was recounting what it was like to be in a loveless/affectionless marriage.  I would look at any given week and think of when I might see someone who would hug me.  I would get into bed every night with someone who wouldn't hold me, wouldn't touch me and it was torture.  There were days that the isolation was physically painful.  

And I felt like the title of this post - if someone were to truly touch me, I would dissolve and disappear.  There were some people I would try to discuss it with but very few people truly understood.  I know for some it was because they couldn't imagine that it was as bad as I described.  I know for others it was because they weren't the kind of people who crave touch.  Many people talk about love languages and despite the pretty Christian undertones in the book, I think there is a lot of value to be gleaned from taking the test.  In case you are curious, you can check this out here

I have taken the test a number of times and I retook it today and while I am sure some of the outcomes depend on my mood, the overall theme remains the same.  I am someone who needs touch and words of affirmation.  BIG TIME.  Living without it was so incredibly damaging to me.  And it broke both my heart and my spirit.

I thought of that this morning, well, more like the middle of the night.  I couldn't sleep so I was reading my book and just as I put it down, I was held and squeezed tightly with a sweet kiss on my shoulder and I fell back to a deep sleep. Completely undissolved.

This is the starting of my greatest fear...*

525949

In case you are wondering that is the number of minutes in a year.  Each of them last 60 seconds but it is amazing to me that some minutes last hours and some go by without even a notice.  Tomorrow will mark the anniversary of something really only important to me but as the day has been approaching, I have been thinking about the last year.  Losing someone you care about it is never easy, losing them without control and without understanding is even more difficult.  Watching a friendship slip away when it has become the foundation upon which you have built your own sense of worth is utterly terrifying.  

And when it happened to me, I panicked.  

I thought the floor had disappeared out from under me.  I thought that losing the person who made me feel important meant that I was no longer important.  I thought all of the work I had done on myself was for naught and I was alone.  I don't mean completely alone - I have amazing friends and family but that felt different somehow.  But after a few weeks of grieving I came to the realization - the only way out of this was me.  I had to do the work and I had to become my own person who thought I was important and special.  As much as I had no clue what to do....I started to do the work.  I had been in therapy but I dug in deeper.  I took on some additional resources to figure my stuff out and I did a really simple thing.  I put a reminder in my calendar that said "Just remember...you are loved, you are important, you are special and you are someone who can do hard things."  Every day at 2 pm it would pop up on my phone.  Some days it was a life line, some days I simply ignored it but knowing it would be there every day....helped.

As for the person who left - I wrote a lot of letters - none of which were ever sent.  I almost hit the call button on my cell phone but never did.  And some of those moments of waiting felt like months of time. There are literally moments that I white knuckled myself through. But with time, the need to reach out subsided.  The need to hurt myself in that way...subsided.  Because I knew that no matter what the response to my inquiry, I would be heart broken and I just didn't need to do that to myself.  And I didn't want to start the clock over....30 days, 60 days, 180 days....felt like chips from AA that I had earned and I just didn't want to start the clock over....and I never did.  

There are things in my life that I am proud of and fighting for myself over the last year is near the top of the list.  This morning I woke up feeling special and important and so deeply cared for and while I am sure much of that feeling came from the person I woke up with - I also knew that I didn't need him there to feel that way.  Having him there was just the cherry on the sundae but even alone, I had my own back and I had earned the place I find myself today.      

"Make It Without You" - Andrew Belle

There is a sound in the calm*

Yesterday morning was the day after the Blizzard of 2015....that wasn't.  We were all prepared to be snowed in and if Philly got more than 2 inches of snow....I'd be surprised. 

I was disappointed at first.  We had grand plans of doing absolutely nothing that day (and actually, most of those plans came to pass) but I was hoping to do that nothing in the midst of a blizzard.  It was still something close to approaching a perfect day though, so I really won't complain....much. (there were no snowball fights....sigh)

However, yesterday morning I was lying in bed looking out the window.  Wishing that massive amounts of snow would fall but also just thinking in the silence.  There are silences that are deafening and scary and then there are silences that bring calm - this was the calm kind.  I watched the occasional flake of snow fall and the branches blow in the breeze and I was just profoundly struck at how my life has changed.  Today I re-read a blog post from a year ago and I noted how much better things were but I realize now that wasn't saying very much.  Given where I was this time 2 years ago?  Last year was better.  Not a moment of doubt about that.  But where I am today?  Wow.  Just wow.

There are some logistics that are...off.  I don't have a job right now but I'm surviving through that.  And I will find one soon enough.  But more than that...I'm happy.  I spent so very much of my life hating myself, feeling less than, feeling not good enough, not special.  And the times when I didn't feel that way  we're because someone was telling me otherwise.  But that can't last.  You can't spend your life relying on someone else to give you your own sense of self because people come and go - the only constant in anyone's life is them.  

I am terrible at accepting compliments.  Someone says something nice about me and my first instinct is to argue the counterpoint.  But yesterday when someone said to me "You're really nice, do you know that?"  I thought for a second and said "yes, I do know that."  Because I do.  I feel like it has taken me the better part of 41 years to really learn who I am.  The good and the bad.  But I do know there is much more good than bad and if there wasn't bad, I wouldn't be human.

And what fun would that be?

"Waiting for the Night" - Depeche Mode

Quite profoundly you rocked my point of view...

Last Saturday I went out for dinner and coffee with a newish friend and it was among the loveliest of nights I have had in a long time.  It is really great to just talk to someone and connect.  But this post isn't so much about that.  It's about something that has kept coming up in my life over the last few months.  It's a seed of an idea that has been growing.  

No new great can come if you aren't willing to say yes to something new.  

I see so many people in my life for whom this seems to be the bedrock of where they are and it certainly is for me.  Seven years ago, I quit a high powered job that made me miserable to go to Utah and sell tickets at the Sundance Film Festival.  I had some money in the bank and I knew I needed something new and different in my life so I packed my little Prius and drove to Utah to spend a month that would be life changing.  I was terrified but excited about all that may be new in my life.  I went to Utah to make a break from a romantic relationship that was tearing me apart.  I went to Utah to bust out of my comfort zone.

In many ways, where I am right now is not very different from where I was then with the exception of now I get unemployment.  But somehow this period of joblessness feels scarier than that one.  Which I am finding utterly fascinating.  Right now I am so much more secure in who I am and what I want.  Right now I am not trying to get out of a relationship that is tearing me apart.  Right now I am not trying to break out of my comfort zone because I am getting quite comfortable with stepping out of it.  

Seven years has made a tremendous difference in my life and yet I also know that it isn't the 7 years so much as it is minute by minute, day by day where the real changes come.  Being willing to say yes to something new and different is the only thing that can open up new and great for you.  It's the only thing that can allow you to find new and wonderful happiness if you are willing to see it.  

I haven't hit all of my goals - clearly.  I'd love to have a job I love again.  There are some logistics that I would like to fall into place.  But just knowing that I am saying yes to new things helps me know that new great is happening.

* "Yes To You (Tappan Zee)" - Susan Werner

It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed...*

2014 is almost on the books.  

I know that people say this every year but this year just flew by.  And so much happened this year that at moments I am left breathless.  I remember New Year's Eve last year so vividly.  I was visiting my family in FL and I was literally watching the clock waiting to just get the hell out of 2013.  I held on deperately to the idea that the simple change of the odometer would make things better.  

At first, it didn't.  January and February were brutal.  I lost someone I held incredibly dear and then had to bear the weight of that void.  But eventually that hurt subsided.  I learned this year, without a doubt, that even the most crushing heartbreaks do get better with time.  Even if you don't get "over it", you learn to "live with it" and once you do that, you can begin living your life again. And the best way to do that is to just feel all of the feelings.  But you don't have to do it all at once.  You take what you can handle when you can handle it.  Learning that you have that power has been a life changing thing for me.

I started a job in April that I really liked and I was laid off from it in December. It's been a fascinating process working through my feelings about that.  There's the typical anxiety of making a living, taking care of myself but it has been bigger than that for me.  Come January 5th - when the world goes back to work - I won't have anywhere to go and that has been weighing heavily on me.  So this week as I've been visiting my family in FL, I have been planning how to spend my time.  Projects that have been lingering that I haven't tackled for lack of time, ways to up my self-care that have slacked off as the year as worn on.  Mostly I want to focus on myself and my needs and make sure that I am doing everything that I can to make myself feel great - physically, mentally, emotionally.  

I continue to have the most amazing friends and have added a few to the list this year that I hope to be around for a long time.  I have also said goodbye to some people and that has been a good thing too.  Relationships are funny things but I'd always rather take a risk and realize that a friendship isn't meant to be than lose out on the potential of someone new and wonderful in my life.  

All of this leads to my word for 2015.  I don't do resolutions, I do words and I have since 2011.  I have found it to be a truly transformative experience and I am so curious to see what this year's word will bring.  

Nourish

: to provide (someone or something) with food and other things that are needed to live, be healthy, etc.

: to cause (something) to develop or grow stronger

Throughout 2014, I worked hard at identifying my hungers and finding the ways to feed them.  I have hungers for love, affection, friendship, creativity, movement, travel.

And now for 2015, the work will be to fully nourish myself in all of the ways that I am hungry.  I spent so much of my life thinking I was too needy, too overwhelming, too much - only to realize the reason that I felt that way was because I was starving for things I had denied myself for a variety of reasons.  So I shall sit on the cusp of 2015 and open my head and heart to being nourished and see where that takes me.

I wish all of you a fulfilling 2015.  May you open your heart to saying yes and see where that takes you.  Saying yes gives you the possibility of new and open doors.

*"Holding On and Letting Go" - Ross Copperman

I used only the good notes....

It's Christmas eve in Philly town.  I just got back from church at UCWC and picked up some wonton soup on my way home - both as an homage to my Jewish heritage and mostly because I have a cold and wonton soup is my comfort food when I'm sick.  So here I sit in my pjs, watching "The Holiday" and thinking.  "The Holiday" is one of my favorite movies despite it really being nothing more than an average rom-com.  First Kate Winslet is my #1 girl crush.  Secondly, one of the characters in it is named Amanda and I always like films where there are Amandas.

But more than that - there are a few quotes in this movie that have resonated with me like few others.  And thanks to IMDB, I can share them with you all....

Iris: Well, I just wanted to get away from all the people I see all the time!... Well, not all the people... one person. I wanted to get away from one... guy.

[she sobs]

Iris: An ex-boyfriend who just got engaged and forgot to tell me.

Arthur Abbott: So, he's a schmuck.

Iris: As a matter of fact, he is... a huge schmuck. How did you know?

Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.

Oh how I remember watching the movie and this was the first line that really caught me.  I so very much identified with acting like the best friend rather than the leading lady of my own life.  It was one of those things that began the process of knocking me out of a bad relationship.  And starting to see myself as someone worth of all of the experiences, not just the tangential ones.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. - Iris

This is one of those things that I just needed to learn, because it is true.  I needed to learn that the pain would work itself out and that eventually you would find new and wonderful things.  Saying yes to new things and people has been the biggest shift in my life that has brought me experiences I never thought possible.

 

I like corny. I'm looking for corny in my life. - Iris

Right now, I'm all about the corny.

So with that - Merry merry, happy happy and smile - if you are reading this, you are loved.

I'm all through putting all of that on me...

Yesterday morning I took the Miller Analogies Test - the first step in what I hope to be the path to graduate school.  This pursuit is likely to be a long, slow process and that's ok.  I'm in no great rush to get to the end but I'm happy to be on the path.

I took the test at Immaculata University and as I drove onto campus, I was brought back to the last time I was there.  New Year's Eve, 2012.  I had just gone to see "Silver Linings Playbook" and as I left, I had a pretty epic meltdown.  I drove and sobbed so hard that I had to pull over, I couldn't even see the road in front of me.  I called a dear friend and just opened the flood gates to all of the pain and terror and hopelessness I had been holding in as tightly as I could.  I knew that in that moment, everything had to change.  I couldn't live like that anymore.  I didn't believe anything better was possible but I also knew that I couldn't stay where I was anymore.  It's a terrible feeling - true hopelessness.  And I was truly hopeless.  But I had started on a path that I knew I had to continue on until the end.  Even when I had no clue what the end would look like.

And yesterday morning, I knew so clearly what the end looked like and it was so much better than I had ever dreamed possible.  From that day almost 2 years ago when I was really honest about what I wanted to today - it's been an amazing journey.  It's been a lot of work, a lot of tears and pain and a lot of risk.  Risking saying yes to new adventures.  Risking saying yes to opening my heart in what felt like the scariest of ways - to being kind to me, to caring about me and eventually to the point of loving myself.  Something that seemed so impossible not very long ago. If nothing else in this whole thing - I have learned that nothing new and good is possible unles you are willing to explore something different.  Unless you are willing to say yes.  

I felt to stuck for so long. And now....well, I'm not stuck.

*"Back to You" - Greg Laswell