I went to the movies last night with my friend Monica and we saw "Love Happens" - I truly thought a love story that is set in my most favourite city on earth, Seattle, would be enough to finally set me over the edge and give me the good cathartic cry I am craving. Alas, no.
It was an interesting movie though -- truly contrived and not what I was expecting. I was expecting a good love story about a man who has lost love and is hiding in his work only to find it again with the ever gorgeous Jennifer Aniston (whose clothes in this movie were fantastic!) But that's not what it was -- it was about a man who is covering his pain, who isn't being truthful about his past and who is stuck looking in the rear-view mirror while helping others to stop looking back. I think I drove poor Monica crazy with my sighs at the sights and sounds of Seattle coupled with the "uh-huhs" I had as this character began to come out of his haze.
The other night when I was with another friend she said something rather profound (and I am going to paraphrase here) but the things that happen to us are just events -- it is the story that we build around them that has the power and once we are stuck in the story, it is really hard to get out of it. She used a pretty dramatic example but she used the example of someone who has been raped at 12 - for them they may build a story that says "because this happened to me, I can't trust any man". No -- that's the story you have created (and with good reason - it's called protection). But it has made me think - what is my story? What story have I put around events that are keeping me stuck. There are 2 big stories and I'll talk about one today. My parents divorced when I was about 4 (well, split up -- the divorce was official much latter but you get the point) and as I think is typical of most little kids -- I thought it was my fault. I thought if I were more lovable, a better kid then my dad wouldn't have left us. Dear God kids can be narcisistic! As someone who has been through divorce, I know this couldn't in a million years be true. But it is one of the events that has shaped my life. I remember when one of the 2 people I consider to be my best friend (a man) would pull away in the early stages of our friendship, I would go into extreme panic. Finally, after...oh, I dunno -- 7 or 8 years I settled in and realized he wasn't going anywhere - that if he wanted to bail on me, he had plenty of opportunity to do it early on. He was in for the duration -- I wasn't going to lose him no matter what. A few years ago I started dating someone and it was really intense really fast and then he pulled back and again, pure and true panic. And all of the negative self-talk a girl could muster.
I mention these 2 scenarios because they are examples of how the story I have told myself gets in my way. The story that I am not worth sticking around for -- that I am somehow less worthy of love and attention. That I need to be super good, super nice, super everything that everyone would want me to be so I could maybe, possibly be ok enough that people will stick around for. It keeps me from speaking up for myself and my needs. It keeps me from saying "no, the way you are treating me is not acceptable." It allowed me to put up with some abusive relationships in my early 20s. It kept me in a marriage longer than I should have. You teach people how to treat you. I haven't always taught people to treat me in the best way possible because of the story I told myself. The one where I am not good enough.
Today is the beginning of that story no longer being true. It's going to be painful and uncomfortable. It is going to require me working through a lot of anxiety and fear. But the only way to move forward is to stop looking in the rear-view mirror at the story of old. You move towards that which you set your gaze upon. It's time to look forward.
The song below is by Coldplay and I have been listening to it almost constantly as of late. I heard it in the trailer for a movie a few years ago and every time I'd catch it I would say "dear GOD I love that song" and then promptly forget about it. Pandora has been putting it on play lists for me for a while now and thanks to iTunes -- I now own it and can listen to it whenever my little heart desires.
Today it is the embodiment of how I am feeling.
When
you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When
you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
