The Aloft Blog

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 1 - Found families

I come from a very small family.  There are my parents and...me.  And my parents split up when I was 4 so growing up I always felt I was missing a family.  My mom and I were a family.  My dad and I were a family.  Occasionally the 3 of us were a family but I didn't have the same family experience that most of my friends had.  My paternal grandfather died about 10 years before I was born.  My paternal grandmother had a severe stroke when I was 10 and passed away when I was 16.  My maternal grandparents never lived closer than a few hour plane ride away.  My mom had 1 sister and she lived with us when I was 9 until I was 20.  My dad has 1 sister and she and her husband and 2 kids lived in Boston.  There's a large extended family that I have met a handful of times in my life.  

I say all of this background to say that I knew early on that I needed to find my family.  I knew that while I had the people in the world to whom I was biologically connected, I needed to work to make connections with others that met the same need.  And found them I did.  

The first family that I found were the Montgomerys.  My parents were friends with a couple named Sue and Jody.  They had a daughter, Gretchen, 8 days before I was born and with that - my first non-origin family was formed.  Gretchen and I were together a lot growing up.  We went to the same school, our parents were in the same social circle - when my parents traveled, I stayed with the Montgomerys.  Many of my earliest memories are of their home.  They had a large property with a barn and animals and all of the adventure that a little kid could find.  Sue and Jody were second parents to me - I knew early on that they would care for me as their own.  Gretchen and her brother Michael were the siblings that I never had.  We got in trouble together, we had fun together - we grew up together.  I remember with amazing detail when my mom told me they were moving away to central Pennsylvania.  I was beyond heartbroken - I felt like I was losing my family.  And I was.  

The next family would definitely be the Reeds.  Kate and I were in the same class from Kindergarten through the 8th grade and spent an awful lot of time together.  I feel like I lived at their house for a good part of my elementary and middle school years.  Kate had 2 older siblings - Peggy and Peter and they treated me just like a 4th sibling -- with all of the good and bad that comes with that.  Finding Peggy again in the last 6 months or so has been great fun for me!

Once I moved onto high school the connection I had to my friends' families wasn't as strong but it was still there.  I used to go to Christmas Eve Mass with the Piccionis every year.  I spent countless weekends and summer days with the Pimletts.  Their families became families to me and for that I am so very grateful.  

The story doesn't end there -- even in my adult years, people have welcomed me into their family as if I was one of their own.  I have west coast parents thanks to Phyllis and Steve and Ann.  I had a whole large and extended family when I was married the first time and though they are no longer a part of my life, I think of them often and very fondly.  And now I have had  my husband's family welcome me too.

I write all of this as a reminder of the fact that you do not need to be bound by blood to be a family.  You need only love and be loved and you can have it all.

I am so grateful to all of the members of my very large family.

I must confess....

I am generally a very nice person.  I am warm, friendly, open and I love to truly meet and get to know new people.  Can I be snarky?  Sure.  Do I gossip more than I should?  Yes.  But I feel pretty good about my status as "nice person."

Which is why I am still thinking about something that happened on Friday night.  My husband and I went to the Philadelphia Art Museum for the Rembrandt exhibit and then we were going across town to dinner.  Traffic was a bear.  It seemed way above the usual amount for a Friday everning but I was just going along trying to cross the city.  Fast forward to an intersection.  There was a police officer on the far left side.  I was in the right lane. There was a car next to me so she couldn't go straight ahead because of where the cop had parked his car.  So as we cross the intersection, she starts to drift into my lane.  Thinking she may not be aware that I am next to her, I honk.  Nothing.  No reaction, no change in behaviour.  I honk again a few beeps.  Still - no reaction at all.  She just keeps moving forward.  She's now inches from my car and I am in the middle of an intersection (Philadelphia has a pretty strong "Don't Block the Box" culture so now I'm getting anxious as I am, in fact, blocking the box).  I honk one more time and she still is moving forward with no regard for the fact that I am in the space she is trying to occupy.  

So I give up.  I let her through.  My car, my insurance rates are more important to me than "being right".

I wish I could say it ended there.  After a block or 2 of jockeying back and forth, she proceeds to almost hit me a 2nd time and this is when I lose my temper and I give her the finger.

I have never done this before.

Ok, I have given people the finger before.  A few friends might remember a very warm day last July when anytime someone mentioned how hot it was, I flipped them off.  (That was our wedding day, I'm nothing if not a classy bride).  I used to jokingly give my physical therapist the finger when he suggested I do something particularly challenging.  I am no saint.  As I said above, I can be snarky.  But I have never flipped someone off while driving like that.  I totally lost my cool and did something that really bothers me.

Part of me would like to find the woman and apologize.  I was out of line.  Even if she was also out of line.  One does not make the other ok.  Part of me would like to talk to this woman and ask her why she thought being so oblivious to her fellow man was the best course of action for her.  Traffic sucks.  It can be frustrating and annoying but the more we all work together, the easier it is to get through.

The more we all work together, the easier it is to get through. 

While I am pretty disappointed in my own behaviour, I have appreciated the thought process that it has opened up within me.

Do you lose your cool often?  When you do - does it stick with you or do you just blow it off?

Our system at work

You only have to know me for about 5 minutes to know that a passion of mine is politics.  But this isn't going to be a post about politics.  You only have to know me for about 10 minutes to know that while I love the country in which I live, I also am well aware of the fact that we do a lot of stuff wrong.  But this isn't going to be a post about American exceptionalism.  

Early in the summer of 2010, I got served with my notice for federal jury duty.  Given I was getting married, planning a honeymoon and in the midst of a huge work project, I wrote a letter asking for my service to be postponed and it was.  Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago and I received notice that I was to appear on April 4th at the federal court building in Philadelphia.  I will be honest, I didn't want to go.  This was going to be a huge pain in the ass and I had "better" things to do with my time.  

I appeared on Monday morning and I  was immediately annoyed by the lack of organization, communication and efficiency in the process.  I spent Monday sitting in a cold room reading my book and thinking this was going to be a total waste of time.  At the end of the day I was told I had to report again on Tuesday.  When I appeared on Tuesday, I knew I was in trouble.  There were only 31 folks there so we all knew we'd be called up to court as potential members of a jury.  We went through the voir dire process and when all was said and done -- yours truly was Juror #8.  And thus began the important work.

There are a few things that one can do in this country that are truly patriotic.  Serving your country in the military.  Voting.  And serving on a jury of one's peers to settle disputes.  It was a quick civil trial - 4 days from jury selection to verdict.  It was an interesting trial as the incident in question took place at a location that my husband I frequent from time to time.  But what struck me most was the fact that everyone took this work very seriously.  We began deliberations evenly split in our decision and after 3 hours we were able to come to a consensus that weighed in on the side of the plaintiff but none of us loved that because we could all see both sides of the issue.  We all knew that at the end of this - both the plaintiff and defendants lives would change forever.  And we knew that we had to make a decision to the best of our ability using the information that we knew from testimony.

I am proud of the work that we did - I hope that all of the parties involved know that we truly made the best decision we could with the information that we had and I hope that all learned some valuable lessons from the experience.

I know that I have.

Come to your mind and down to your toes...*

Every noise spooked me.  The hyperawareness that one has when they are in a brand new place was in full force.  I was desperate for sleep but I couldn't come close to finding the peace necessary for sleep.  I tossed from one side to the other.  I moved into every position that is generally a sure-fire fall asleep position.

Nothing.

"How on earth am I lying here.  I'm 35 years old, what the hell am I doing with my life?"

It was a genuine question that I spoke aloud.  Luckily, I was alone.  

"Why didn't I decide to go with everyone else?  What the hell is that noise?  Jesus, it is hot in here!"

Just months before, Karin emailed me and said "You have to do this!"  It took me about 30 minutes to decide to do it and off the train went before I realized that it had indeed left the station.

Thus I found myself in a cabin in the woods in Abbensen, Germany in the summer of 2008.  

Growing up, I was a camper and then counselor at a place called Camp Conrad Weiser in Wernersville, PA.  There are few places on this planet that hold the same draw and emotional connection that South Mountain does.  In the summer of 1989 I was supposed to go on the ICEP trip with Karin.  ICEP is the International Camper Exchange Program.  We were to spend a month in England at a YMCA camp in the Lake District of England but alas the Lockerbee, Scotland bombing happened and our trip was cancelled.  I was inconsolably disappointed and resigned myself to never having my own ICEP experience.

So when Karin emailed me with the charge of "You have to do this" - this was leading that summer's ICEP trip to Germany.  At the time I was consulting as well as working on my coaching business so to say that the opportunity couldn't have come at a better time is an understatement of epic proportions.  I met with the camp director, passed some background checks and hired I was to lead a group of 12 kids to Germany with another leader.  

It is really silly in retrospect (as many things are) just how totally scared I was.  I was leading 12 kids across the ocean.  I was supposed to be the brave one, the one who was in charge and could take care of these kids and here I was back in middle school worrying what I would do if people hated me.  I kid you not.  

But onward I forged.  July 20th I boarded a plan with a group of kids and we were off across the Atlantic.  Our first week was the "homestay" portion of the trip.  The kids all went off to different families in and around Hannover Germany which my co-leader and I stayed with some other counselors from the Hannover YMCA.  We had such a great week.  We went hiking in the Harz mountains, we spent a day at the zoo, we wandered the city, I got very well acquainted with German beer and made a new group of friends. 

Sooner than I anticipated we were off to camp.  It was great to be back with my kids.  I loved hearing about their experience.  I loved seeing this adventure through their eyes.  They were so very lit up with the wonder of it all - you know, while maintaining a cool that one can truly only hold onto when one is 15.  We put on skits for the kids, we stayed up late, we swam, we ate a lot of food that was completely unidentifiable to me.  I played the role of a crazy woman.  I hiked 50km and canoed 12 km in 3 days time.

I saw this sight.

 

Germany is a beautiful country and I spent the evening that photo was taken thanking whatever it was out there that brought me to this point in my life.  There I sat on the banks of the Aller River in Germany with a group of new friends listening to them sing some of the most beautiful songs I had ever heard.

I met friends from Spain, Russia, Japan and Germany.  I learned to figure out when someone was talking about me in German.  I discovered some very yummy beers.  I ate a lot of bread and lunch meat.  I ran through fountains in Munich. I visited holy and sacred places.  I called my father and got to say "I"m calling you for the former East Berlin"

I realized that I had no reason to be scared at all.

Our final week was spent traveling the country.  We started in Berlin, onto Dresden and then finishing up in Munich.  We slept in YMCA hostels on land and on boats. 

I saw castles and mountains and street performers.

I realized that I needed to find more opportunities to step out of my comfort zone.  If I had known how nervous I would be in that cabin in the woods, acutely aware of every noise, I would very likely have decided not to go.  I would have missed the opportunity of a life time.  A chance to see new places.  A chance to meet new people and most importantly a chance to challenge myself in ways that I never had.

 

*from the song Shoes ~ Quarter to Eleven

We once had it all the entire sky*

He called for the first time during the “X-Files”.  This was a sign that things were clearly never going to work.

This was 1998.  I had a standing date with my roommate and a few friends to watch the “X-Files” every Sunday and no phone call, even from an interesting suitor, would interrupt that. Thankfully, “Antiques Roadshow” didn’t have the same allure so our Monday night conversation went much more smoothly.  We had exchanged a number of emails prior to this phone call.  We met through an internet personals site before it was the thing that everyone was doing.  This was 1998, after all.

We had a lot in common – music, politics, history – things we both loved and knew a lot about. And humour.  We made each other laugh and laugh hard.  After a few hours on the phone, we agreed to meet the following Saturday to see Susan Werner.  He volunteered with an organization that put on folk concerts and I was a die-hard folky.  It seemed like a good way to meet.

I arrived as planned and was ushered to my seat with many apologies of not being able to sit with me.  Understood, understood.  However, as my obtuse self, I didn’t quite realize I was on a date.  It wasn’t until after the show when he made the offer of going out with the large group or on our own that I realized “Oh man, I’m on a date”.  I actually think this worked to my advantage though as I was really at ease and comfortable with this guy that I barely knew. 

A quick dinner post show turned into a 2 and a half hour conversation in his car and the acknowledgement of wanting to see each other again.

And thus began what would end almost 8 years later after a number of marriage counseling sessions and tears that at times felt unending. Holding such a tender place in my heart for two people who at their core had felt like misfits from the start.  For two people who thought love and marriage would allude them and for two people who tried to make a marriage work that was just not meant to be. As the sage Dan Savage often says…every relationship you ever have will end.  Until one doesn’t.

“Lovers that we lose we never dare forget” ~ Susan Werner

* from St. Mary's of Regret ~ Susan Werner

On friendships old and new....

On this cold January day on the eve of the latest "snowpocalypse" forecasted for eastern PA - I am deep in thought and full of love.

First - I love today's date:  1-11-11. 

Secondly - I am celebrating in my heart the birthday of my west coast dearest friend.  January 11th will forever be an important date in my life as it is the date he came into the world...while it took me almost 21 years to track him down on the planet, I believe that our friendship was destined to be from the very start.  The universe was very good when it made that one happen.  Happiest of happy birthdays, JB!  You are much loved by so many.

Thirdly- I am still marinating over a weekend I spent with 18 wonderful women.  I attened my first retreat with my church and to say it was a wonderfully fulfilling and meaningful weekend is an understatement.  It was a diverse group of women from many different backgrounds who came together to share their stories and bear witness to each other's lives.  I hope the friendships that started this weekend just grow and grow.

Happy, happy day!

I be scattered!

I have mentioned before that I find fall to be a fabulous time of year to start anew, replenish the reserves and start or restart projects and plans.  I find myself so full of ideas and dreams at this time of year that I generally wind up not doing much of anything because I get myself overwhelmed.  In an effort to not be so lost and to not lose the momentum that fall brings to me - I present you with the following things to get done before the end of the calendar year!

• put together and fully market an e-course for 2011
• complete a knitting project that isn't a scarf -- this is the top contender
• continue to work on eating healthy foods and moving more
• take more photos
• put together a book of our trip to Ireland

I wonder why it is often difficult to put plans into action.  I am really great at cooking up big dreams and while I truly believe in the power of the dream, I also believe in the reality of the follow through.  Without taking the time to put plans into action, they are nothing more than dreams and sometimes one will not make up enough for the other.

There's less than 3 months before the end of the year so I truly best get going -- no time to be scattered - let's make the dreams the actions!

so this is the new year...

A friend of mine made a great point the other day - she always felt that September was the beginning of a new year in a way that January just wasn't.  Sure -- January is the flipping of the odometer, so to speak but I think that for many of us - September feels like the start of the new year.  It's 15 years this year since I walked into a classroom on or about September 1 but I still feel the pull of the fall.  A new lunch box, a few new pieces of clothes, new notebooks and a new outlook - fall to me is pure energy. 

It seems odd that during the time of year when the world begins to shut down to prepare for the cold winter to come, I feel more and more energized.  I do love the feeling of the warm sun on my face but that doesn't come close to the fabulous feeling of a tiny bite in the crisp air, the smell of leaves, the colours of fall and then smell of wonderful things cooking in the kitchen.  And then there's the pure joy of a warm bed with cool breezes blowing through your bedroom.  BLISS!

The coming of this fall has gotten me thinking of all of the things I want to accomplish over the winter.  I really want to get out and hike more.  I find being outside much more enjoyable when I don't have sweat pouring down my face.  I really want to focus on cooking some wonderfully flavourful and healthy meals.  The more I focus on eating whole foods, the better I feel about myself and the world.  There are some house projects to accomplish and some planting to be done.  Over all, I just feel the energy that is to come in the next few months and I can't wait to dive in and enjoy.

What do you love best about fall?

honouring the need for rest

 

I fully admit this is a teaser picture of Ireland...it was taken in the Gap of Dunloe which as assumed its proper place at the top of the list of more beautiful places I have ever seen.  

This morning I woke up feeling just really icky.  The start of a cold -- scratchy throat, runny nose and a nice headache to boot.  I opted to take that as sign from the universe that I should just really slow down and lay low today.  I left the house once for about 10 minutes (and I could have even avoided that as my husband offered to run my errand for me) -- I took a late day shower, I did some laundry, I chilled on the couch a lot and I even made some cookies.  We spent the day at home today just doing our thing and it has been such a welcome change.  Between the general hub-bub of the summer coupled with the busyness of wedding planning, this has been a really go go go summer.  Philadelphia welcomed a very gray and rainy day so we took that as our cue to lay low and I am so glad that we did.  

One thing that I struggled with at times is to listen to my body and my mind and just be still, take care of me and relax.  In theory I would like to stay up late enough to watch Mad Men tonight but I may even forego that if my body tells me it is time for bed.

What have you done recently to honour the signals that you body is giving you?

 

my gift to share

Pretty common view of me in Ireland taken by the husband.  I will share a recap and photos from the trip soonish but for now I wanted to write about something a bit more on my mind. 

The Monday before the wedding in hell (only because of the heat -- that's kind of what I imagine hell to feel like) I had dinner and some honeymoon shopping with a dear friend and  coach and we were talking about depth and abilities to see whole people where they are and how they came to be who they are.  For example, I was talking of a friend of mine from childhood and the fact that she used to make up some outlandish stories of things that were going to happen and our friends would all shrug them off -- knowing they weren't to be.  It pissed off some people "she lies!  all the time!  how can you put up with that?"

But I knew why she did it.  Her family sucked, she had a really rough time of it growing up - I always suspected some abuse happened in her home -- it just wasn't a good or fun place to be.  I understood immediately why she made up these stories of the glories and fun to come.  She wanted it to be true.  She NEEDED it to be true in order to weather the stormy sea she was traveling on. 

In the midst of telling this story - my friend stopped me.  "Do you feel that?  Do you feel that energy?" (or something to that effect - it was almost a month ago and I had a lot of Guinness in Ireland!) and I said tentatively "no?  what?"

I was reminded in no uncertain terms that I have a gift.  I don't often think of myself as being gifted but I do know I have them and one of those gifts is to see a whole person for who they are and being able to put those pieces together and truly GET someone.  Even someone who has led an entirely different life than I have.  I GET THEM.  I GET PEOPLE.  I am incredibly empathetic without being totally drawn into someone's drama or issues.  I see people for who they are and what they are and I can reflect that back and help someone.  It's what makes me a good friend, a good partner and a good coach. 

I believe we are all given gifts in the world - mine isn't to paint a masterpiece or to write a symphony - rather mine is to help people see themselves exactly as they are and help them value that. People, myself included, get stuck in their stories but when you strip those stories away, we're all people with a myriad of experiences who truly want to connect with other people.  I am so grateful I have a gift that can help people do that.