The Aloft Blog

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 1 - Found families

I come from a very small family.  There are my parents and...me.  And my parents split up when I was 4 so growing up I always felt I was missing a family.  My mom and I were a family.  My dad and I were a family.  Occasionally the 3 of us were a family but I didn't have the same family experience that most of my friends had.  My paternal grandfather died about 10 years before I was born.  My paternal grandmother had a severe stroke when I was 10 and passed away when I was 16.  My maternal grandparents never lived closer than a few hour plane ride away.  My mom had 1 sister and she lived with us when I was 9 until I was 20.  My dad has 1 sister and she and her husband and 2 kids lived in Boston.  There's a large extended family that I have met a handful of times in my life.  

I say all of this background to say that I knew early on that I needed to find my family.  I knew that while I had the people in the world to whom I was biologically connected, I needed to work to make connections with others that met the same need.  And found them I did.  

The first family that I found were the Montgomerys.  My parents were friends with a couple named Sue and Jody.  They had a daughter, Gretchen, 8 days before I was born and with that - my first non-origin family was formed.  Gretchen and I were together a lot growing up.  We went to the same school, our parents were in the same social circle - when my parents traveled, I stayed with the Montgomerys.  Many of my earliest memories are of their home.  They had a large property with a barn and animals and all of the adventure that a little kid could find.  Sue and Jody were second parents to me - I knew early on that they would care for me as their own.  Gretchen and her brother Michael were the siblings that I never had.  We got in trouble together, we had fun together - we grew up together.  I remember with amazing detail when my mom told me they were moving away to central Pennsylvania.  I was beyond heartbroken - I felt like I was losing my family.  And I was.  

The next family would definitely be the Reeds.  Kate and I were in the same class from Kindergarten through the 8th grade and spent an awful lot of time together.  I feel like I lived at their house for a good part of my elementary and middle school years.  Kate had 2 older siblings - Peggy and Peter and they treated me just like a 4th sibling -- with all of the good and bad that comes with that.  Finding Peggy again in the last 6 months or so has been great fun for me!

Once I moved onto high school the connection I had to my friends' families wasn't as strong but it was still there.  I used to go to Christmas Eve Mass with the Piccionis every year.  I spent countless weekends and summer days with the Pimletts.  Their families became families to me and for that I am so very grateful.  

The story doesn't end there -- even in my adult years, people have welcomed me into their family as if I was one of their own.  I have west coast parents thanks to Phyllis and Steve and Ann.  I had a whole large and extended family when I was married the first time and though they are no longer a part of my life, I think of them often and very fondly.  And now I have had  my husband's family welcome me too.

I write all of this as a reminder of the fact that you do not need to be bound by blood to be a family.  You need only love and be loved and you can have it all.

I am so grateful to all of the members of my very large family.

There, but for the grace of God, go I

As of late I have been thinking about the fact that we're all in this together.  Buddhists talk about interconnectedness.  One of the primary symbols in Buddhism is, in fact, the Endless Knot.  

Things feel very heavy right now.  As a student of US politics, it can't be ignored that things are very complicated and very incindiary right now.  I won't go into details or sides but this tension is really beginning to weigh upon me. 

I can talk at length about the things in my life that have been challenges, trials or just plain sucky.  But at the end of the day I know that where and to whom I was born make me amoung the luckiest possible people in the history of this planet.  While there are certainly things that I would like I do not truly want for anything. And not only do I not want for anything, I also am certain in the fact that I have a personal support system that can and will help me through any major emergency that I may come across.  I am so truly blessed.

But in that certainty and comfort, I also know in my soul that it could all disappear tomorrow.  That I could be jobless, ill - mentally or physically, homeless and in big trouble.  When I see someone struggling - when I see a person on the street who is begging for money to buy something that he or she needs.  I know that there, but for the grace of God, go I.  That could be me.  That could be someone I love.  That could be a total stranger who is just as entitled to dignity, love and respect as any one of us is.  I fear that we are losing that in these times.  That people are forgetting the fact that we are all in this - this world, this country, this community together and the more we love, care for and support one another the farther we will all be able to go.  

Come to your mind and down to your toes...*

Every noise spooked me.  The hyperawareness that one has when they are in a brand new place was in full force.  I was desperate for sleep but I couldn't come close to finding the peace necessary for sleep.  I tossed from one side to the other.  I moved into every position that is generally a sure-fire fall asleep position.

Nothing.

"How on earth am I lying here.  I'm 35 years old, what the hell am I doing with my life?"

It was a genuine question that I spoke aloud.  Luckily, I was alone.  

"Why didn't I decide to go with everyone else?  What the hell is that noise?  Jesus, it is hot in here!"

Just months before, Karin emailed me and said "You have to do this!"  It took me about 30 minutes to decide to do it and off the train went before I realized that it had indeed left the station.

Thus I found myself in a cabin in the woods in Abbensen, Germany in the summer of 2008.  

Growing up, I was a camper and then counselor at a place called Camp Conrad Weiser in Wernersville, PA.  There are few places on this planet that hold the same draw and emotional connection that South Mountain does.  In the summer of 1989 I was supposed to go on the ICEP trip with Karin.  ICEP is the International Camper Exchange Program.  We were to spend a month in England at a YMCA camp in the Lake District of England but alas the Lockerbee, Scotland bombing happened and our trip was cancelled.  I was inconsolably disappointed and resigned myself to never having my own ICEP experience.

So when Karin emailed me with the charge of "You have to do this" - this was leading that summer's ICEP trip to Germany.  At the time I was consulting as well as working on my coaching business so to say that the opportunity couldn't have come at a better time is an understatement of epic proportions.  I met with the camp director, passed some background checks and hired I was to lead a group of 12 kids to Germany with another leader.  

It is really silly in retrospect (as many things are) just how totally scared I was.  I was leading 12 kids across the ocean.  I was supposed to be the brave one, the one who was in charge and could take care of these kids and here I was back in middle school worrying what I would do if people hated me.  I kid you not.  

But onward I forged.  July 20th I boarded a plan with a group of kids and we were off across the Atlantic.  Our first week was the "homestay" portion of the trip.  The kids all went off to different families in and around Hannover Germany which my co-leader and I stayed with some other counselors from the Hannover YMCA.  We had such a great week.  We went hiking in the Harz mountains, we spent a day at the zoo, we wandered the city, I got very well acquainted with German beer and made a new group of friends. 

Sooner than I anticipated we were off to camp.  It was great to be back with my kids.  I loved hearing about their experience.  I loved seeing this adventure through their eyes.  They were so very lit up with the wonder of it all - you know, while maintaining a cool that one can truly only hold onto when one is 15.  We put on skits for the kids, we stayed up late, we swam, we ate a lot of food that was completely unidentifiable to me.  I played the role of a crazy woman.  I hiked 50km and canoed 12 km in 3 days time.

I saw this sight.

 

Germany is a beautiful country and I spent the evening that photo was taken thanking whatever it was out there that brought me to this point in my life.  There I sat on the banks of the Aller River in Germany with a group of new friends listening to them sing some of the most beautiful songs I had ever heard.

I met friends from Spain, Russia, Japan and Germany.  I learned to figure out when someone was talking about me in German.  I discovered some very yummy beers.  I ate a lot of bread and lunch meat.  I ran through fountains in Munich. I visited holy and sacred places.  I called my father and got to say "I"m calling you for the former East Berlin"

I realized that I had no reason to be scared at all.

Our final week was spent traveling the country.  We started in Berlin, onto Dresden and then finishing up in Munich.  We slept in YMCA hostels on land and on boats. 

I saw castles and mountains and street performers.

I realized that I needed to find more opportunities to step out of my comfort zone.  If I had known how nervous I would be in that cabin in the woods, acutely aware of every noise, I would very likely have decided not to go.  I would have missed the opportunity of a life time.  A chance to see new places.  A chance to meet new people and most importantly a chance to challenge myself in ways that I never had.

 

*from the song Shoes ~ Quarter to Eleven

We once had it all the entire sky*

He called for the first time during the “X-Files”.  This was a sign that things were clearly never going to work.

This was 1998.  I had a standing date with my roommate and a few friends to watch the “X-Files” every Sunday and no phone call, even from an interesting suitor, would interrupt that. Thankfully, “Antiques Roadshow” didn’t have the same allure so our Monday night conversation went much more smoothly.  We had exchanged a number of emails prior to this phone call.  We met through an internet personals site before it was the thing that everyone was doing.  This was 1998, after all.

We had a lot in common – music, politics, history – things we both loved and knew a lot about. And humour.  We made each other laugh and laugh hard.  After a few hours on the phone, we agreed to meet the following Saturday to see Susan Werner.  He volunteered with an organization that put on folk concerts and I was a die-hard folky.  It seemed like a good way to meet.

I arrived as planned and was ushered to my seat with many apologies of not being able to sit with me.  Understood, understood.  However, as my obtuse self, I didn’t quite realize I was on a date.  It wasn’t until after the show when he made the offer of going out with the large group or on our own that I realized “Oh man, I’m on a date”.  I actually think this worked to my advantage though as I was really at ease and comfortable with this guy that I barely knew. 

A quick dinner post show turned into a 2 and a half hour conversation in his car and the acknowledgement of wanting to see each other again.

And thus began what would end almost 8 years later after a number of marriage counseling sessions and tears that at times felt unending. Holding such a tender place in my heart for two people who at their core had felt like misfits from the start.  For two people who thought love and marriage would allude them and for two people who tried to make a marriage work that was just not meant to be. As the sage Dan Savage often says…every relationship you ever have will end.  Until one doesn’t.

“Lovers that we lose we never dare forget” ~ Susan Werner

* from St. Mary's of Regret ~ Susan Werner

The World Was On Fire

I awoke with a start that morning with a tapping on the bedroom door. 

"Time to get up"

I worked my way through the bleariness of sleep to gather my bearings and coerse my brain into reality from a restless slumber.  The type of slumber you have when you know that waking in the morning at an early hour is a requirement.  I stumbled to the bathroom and showered quickly and quietly.  I did my hair and put on the best clothes that I had available to me.  I tenatively made my way up the stairs to the kitchen where I was greeted with a "let's go" and we were off.  It was early in the morning.  Actually by many definitions it could have been described as the night before - 3:30 or something similarly obscene.  We drove through the cold morning on our way to the meeting point.  We were pretty quiet as neither of us were much for talking in the morning.  We listened to Chris Isaak and had an uncomfortable shift in energy at the end of "Wicked Game" and moments later we were at the meeting point. 

I was introduced to a number of people whose names are now mostly a blur to me.  We were briefed on what to expect for the day.  We were told of the rules and regulations.  We were told that no matter what happened we were to listen to them and them alone.  Follow all directions quickly and without question.  I was shuffled into a 15 passenger van with another woman and we were off again en route to our destination. 

We arrived at a high school where the vans were lined up in a specific order and we sat and waited.  The crowd grew larger and larger over time as the sun came up over the field.  And we waited.  Eventually a few people joined us.  A nurse was the first and she was happy to explain to us what to expect next with a casual air that only comes with experience. After what seemed like a very long time we felt the vibrations of the helicopter landing and a few minutes later a man in a suit knocked on our car and told us to go forward. 

We drove in a line very slowly out of the high school and through the town.  People were gathered on the streets with their signs and their flags and their messages.  We saw with our eyes the devastation that had come upon this place.  Bridges were gone, homes were underwater, streets were unpassable.  We made our first stop and someone came to get me and told me to switch vans.  I ran up and jumped in another van.  I looked behind me and there were people there about whom I had only read.  I looked over at my friend with eyes possibly twice the size of my head and he just mouthed "I know!" with as much excitement in his whisper as I felt in my heart. 

We continued on and we stopped in a housing development.  There was a Mustang parked in a driveway and there were questions to be asked.  We listened to conversations about who had the best candy in their desk and how things haven't been the same since the big change. Eventually we wound up at a fire company and the people in our van jumped out for their meeting leaving my friend and me alone.  We ate our sandwiches and went over and over again all that we had seen and all that we had heard.  And we wondered what would happen next.  Would we really get the chance?  What if we didn't?  Would we still be as excited?  Wow, we're tired!  We listened to the meeting in the fire hall on the local AM radtion station as it blanked in and out over and over again. 

Just as we were thinking we weren't going to get the chance.  Just as we were thinking that we were so woefully behind schedule that we'd never have the opportunity we'd hoped for all day -- we were told to get out of the van and follow some men into the basement of the fire hall.  We were told to line up in a semi-circle and that this would be quick but they didn't want us to miss this opportunity.  I was at the far end of the semi-circle when he walked in.  My breath was literally taken away.  He moved down the circle shaking hands with each person, saying hi, thanking them for their help today.  The more time that passed, the more nervous I was.  What was I going to say?  I had no idea until...well, until I had to.  He stood in front of me and my heart was about to pound out of my chest.

"Thank you for your help today"

"You're welcome Mr. President, happy valentine's day"

"You too"

And with that, he was gone.  The room exploded into a cacaphony of excited squeals and sounds of disbelief. 

We went back to the van and dropped off our passengers and made our way back to town.  We dined together that evening on bacon wrapped filets and the giddiness of an experience that we'd never forget.

Fifteen years ago today, my best friend and I had the opportuntity to drive in Bill Clinton's motocade in Woodland, Washington.  There had been dreadful floods in southern WA and northern OR and President Clinton was in town to see the devastation and to talk to the community about how FEMA was going to assist them in their rebuilding. 

In our van that day was Henry Cisneros, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, James Lee Witt, FEMA adminstrator, Senator Patty Murray (D-WA), Senator Ron Wyden (D-OR), Senator Mark Hatfield (R-OR) and a number of others. 

Fifteen years ago I was a bright eyed 22 year old who vowed to remember as many details of the day as possible and who thankfully has.  And even when, one day, I do forget.  I have the photo of shaking hands with President Clinton on a chilly Valentine's Day afternoon.

On friendships old and new....

On this cold January day on the eve of the latest "snowpocalypse" forecasted for eastern PA - I am deep in thought and full of love.

First - I love today's date:  1-11-11. 

Secondly - I am celebrating in my heart the birthday of my west coast dearest friend.  January 11th will forever be an important date in my life as it is the date he came into the world...while it took me almost 21 years to track him down on the planet, I believe that our friendship was destined to be from the very start.  The universe was very good when it made that one happen.  Happiest of happy birthdays, JB!  You are much loved by so many.

Thirdly- I am still marinating over a weekend I spent with 18 wonderful women.  I attened my first retreat with my church and to say it was a wonderfully fulfilling and meaningful weekend is an understatement.  It was a diverse group of women from many different backgrounds who came together to share their stories and bear witness to each other's lives.  I hope the friendships that started this weekend just grow and grow.

Happy, happy day!

It Gets Better

I know I have mentioned Dan Savage on this blog before - again, I'm a huge fan. In response to another teen who recently committed suicide because he was bullied at school for being gay, Dan has started a project called the It Gets Better Project.  The goal of this is to help LGBT teens who feel isolated and are bullied at school to know that it does get better.   The goal is to give kids hope.  It is really easy to be an isolated kid who is tormented daily and think "this is it -- this is all life has handed me" and to think that ending the pain is the best and most viable solution. 

I wasn't a kid struggling with my sexuality but I was a kid who was horribly abused in middle school.  I was a kid who thought the only way to deal with that pain was to end it all.  I know now just how wrong I was and if I could go back to 12 year old me and tell her that it does get better, I would do it in a heart beat.  Here is a way for happy, healthy LGBT adults to reach out to kids and help them. 

I wish there wasn't a need for such things.  I wish that all of us could be more loving and compassionate and stop the madness around hating someone just because they love someone but we aren't there yet.  Until we are -- let's help the kids that need it today.  Let's remind them that life is worth fighting for and it does get better.

my gift to share

Pretty common view of me in Ireland taken by the husband.  I will share a recap and photos from the trip soonish but for now I wanted to write about something a bit more on my mind. 

The Monday before the wedding in hell (only because of the heat -- that's kind of what I imagine hell to feel like) I had dinner and some honeymoon shopping with a dear friend and  coach and we were talking about depth and abilities to see whole people where they are and how they came to be who they are.  For example, I was talking of a friend of mine from childhood and the fact that she used to make up some outlandish stories of things that were going to happen and our friends would all shrug them off -- knowing they weren't to be.  It pissed off some people "she lies!  all the time!  how can you put up with that?"

But I knew why she did it.  Her family sucked, she had a really rough time of it growing up - I always suspected some abuse happened in her home -- it just wasn't a good or fun place to be.  I understood immediately why she made up these stories of the glories and fun to come.  She wanted it to be true.  She NEEDED it to be true in order to weather the stormy sea she was traveling on. 

In the midst of telling this story - my friend stopped me.  "Do you feel that?  Do you feel that energy?" (or something to that effect - it was almost a month ago and I had a lot of Guinness in Ireland!) and I said tentatively "no?  what?"

I was reminded in no uncertain terms that I have a gift.  I don't often think of myself as being gifted but I do know I have them and one of those gifts is to see a whole person for who they are and being able to put those pieces together and truly GET someone.  Even someone who has led an entirely different life than I have.  I GET THEM.  I GET PEOPLE.  I am incredibly empathetic without being totally drawn into someone's drama or issues.  I see people for who they are and what they are and I can reflect that back and help someone.  It's what makes me a good friend, a good partner and a good coach. 

I believe we are all given gifts in the world - mine isn't to paint a masterpiece or to write a symphony - rather mine is to help people see themselves exactly as they are and help them value that. People, myself included, get stuck in their stories but when you strip those stories away, we're all people with a myriad of experiences who truly want to connect with other people.  I am so grateful I have a gift that can help people do that.

It's going to be a place where only the things you want to happen, would happen.

 

Like all urban hipsters, I flocked to see "Where The Wild Things Are" this weekend - which is funny because I am neither urban nor a hipster but I was dying to see this film.  To say I loved it is an understatement -- it was truly, truly beautiful.  I have read a lot of people who were disappointed that it didn't "stick to the book" - ummm....the book was 10 sentences.  How, pray tell, could you create a 94 minute film and stick solely to 10 sentences.  What Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers certainly did though was capture the magic and the love of the book in a visually stunning film.

But I'm not here to write a film review -- this movie has had me thinking all weekend about how our power can come from that which we believe about ourselves.  Max convinced the wild things that he was king and he could make them happy because he believed that he could.  And for a while, he did.  Not because he had any magic powers and not because he was truly a king but because he believed that he could.  I think we  walk around the world thinking that everyone believes that which we believe about ourselves.  And if those beliefs are that we are less than perfect, the world sees us that way.  What if that isn't so?  What if how the world sees you is entirely different from how you see yourself?  And what if what everyone else sees is more the truth than what you see?  How can that change how you function in the world?

I've been in love before...the hardest part is when you're in it

 

I'm harkening back to the 80s and pulling out the lyrics to a Cutting Crew song for tonight's title.

I am always amazed by people who say that have only been in love once - I wonder if they are not being truthful or if I fall in love easier than most.  I have been in love a number of times.  

I fell in love for the first time in the 8th grade with my best friend.  He and I were inseparable -- we'd talk on the phone for 4 and 5 hours a night and I am sure we drove our parents crazy.  We kissed all of 1 time on the golf course in Pottstown on the night of our 8th grade graduation.

Later I fell in love with my best friend BJ (yes, you are going to see a pattern here) - we went to high school together and were best friends.  I loved him with all of my heart and he didn't love me the same way.  I asked him to our Homecoming Dance and he said no -- it was a really tough time for me but in the end, we worked through it - he apologized to me about 5 years ago (after a lot of wine) and we're still great friends to this day. 

Then I fell in love with Jon - he was in many ways the first grown up love as I was 21 (oh so grown up) and it was a tumultuous relationship at best.  Our entire romance happened before we even met in person (ah, early days of internet romance) and now we are the best of friends but it took a long time for us to get here.  He taught me about unconditional love though in a way that no other man had.

Then I fell in love with Pete - we had a long distance relationship - Vancouver to Philadelphia and it was a really electric relationship -- so fun and playful and thoughtful.  We are entirely different people now but for a time we were really in the same space.  If we had lived in the same city -- I have a feeling we would have wound up married and perhaps together for the long haul.

Then I fell in love with Charlie - and I married him.  If I am honest with myself now, I had doubts then but at the time - I really thought we'd be together forever.  I loved him.  In the end though, we grew into different people - we had challenges, we had deaths in our family, we stopped communicating and saw each other as the enemy.  We are still friends, I still care for him deeply but I know we were never meant to be a couple.  We just didn't work.

Then I fell in love with Andy - we helped each other heal from our marriages and move past those relationships.  I think it is one of those relationships in which we both grew a lot, learned a lot.  

Then I fell in love with Pat and that's where we are today.  The stress I've been alluding to over the last few weeks has been about our relationship - the things that are working and the things that are not and it all came to a head last Thursday.  It was a really tough night and tough conversation but perhaps now we have a chance to move forward...now that we're talking.  

From all of these relationships - I learned something, I grew, I hurt, I cried but most importantly I loved with all of my heart.  I don't hold back when I love someone and I don't want to.  I have cried more tears in my life over love than I care to remember - I used to joking call myself the President of the Unrequited Love Club but I can say that every time I have fallen in love - I've done it with all of myself. 

I hope that never changes about me.