Recently someone told me that I was the bravest person that they know. I scoffed at that because brave is something I never feel. In fact, most of the time I feel anything less than brave - I feel pretty wimpy and cowardly. I also know though that what one feels on the inside is quite often not indicative of how you are viewed on the outside and despite the fact that we put so much weight on our interior monologues they hold no more value than what is expressed on the outside.
This weekend I went to Seattle to surprise my best friend at his 40th birthday party. It was one of the best things I have ever done. The surprise on his face was just fantastic! But that's not the point of this post. Someone asked how my friend and I met and I said in college and he asked if I used to live on the west coast. I have not - in fact I have never lived anywhere west of Newark, Delaware. This person was rightfully totally confused so I explained that we had met in 1994 on line. That was a time when such things were just unheard of but alas we did. I was taken back to that time 18 years ago when I was young and full of all of the hope in the world.
We met in person for the first time in May of 1995. He was on his way to Europe and had a 3 hour layover at Dulles airport in Washington DC. I drove down that day to meet him. It was one of the scariest thing I had ever done. At that time there was a degree of ambiguity to our relationship and I thought that this meeting could change my life. It did change my life in ways that I could never have imagine. I had spent probably hundreds of hours talking to him and I knew him like the back of my hand but I didn't KNOW him. There's a crazy story that goes along with that drive down but needless to say that when this man who I had never met but had connected so deeply walked off the plane - I was shaking. I truly thought I would fall over but I didn't. We spent that 3 hours together talking and keeping each other company and then he was on his way to Europe and I was on my way backup I-95.
I have done other things in my life that required a similar amount of courage - I have married, I have changed jobs, I have thrown caution to the wind and opened my heart to love and promise so while I may not feel brave a lot of the time I know that I have done some things that I haven't thought I could handle. And it is that knowledge that helps me do more and more scary things.
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