Every noise spooked me. The hyperawareness that one has when they are in a brand new place was in full force. I was desperate for sleep but I couldn't come close to finding the peace necessary for sleep. I tossed from one side to the other. I moved into every position that is generally a sure-fire fall asleep position.
Nothing.
"How on earth am I lying here. I'm 35 years old, what the hell am I doing with my life?"
It was a genuine question that I spoke aloud. Luckily, I was alone.
"Why didn't I decide to go with everyone else? What the hell is that noise? Jesus, it is hot in here!"
Just months before, Karin emailed me and said "You have to do this!" It took me about 30 minutes to decide to do it and off the train went before I realized that it had indeed left the station.
Thus I found myself in a cabin in the woods in Abbensen, Germany in the summer of 2008.
Growing up, I was a camper and then counselor at a place called Camp Conrad Weiser in Wernersville, PA. There are few places on this planet that hold the same draw and emotional connection that South Mountain does. In the summer of 1989 I was supposed to go on the ICEP trip with Karin. ICEP is the International Camper Exchange Program. We were to spend a month in England at a YMCA camp in the Lake District of England but alas the Lockerbee, Scotland bombing happened and our trip was cancelled. I was inconsolably disappointed and resigned myself to never having my own ICEP experience.
So when Karin emailed me with the charge of "You have to do this" - this was leading that summer's ICEP trip to Germany. At the time I was consulting as well as working on my coaching business so to say that the opportunity couldn't have come at a better time is an understatement of epic proportions. I met with the camp director, passed some background checks and hired I was to lead a group of 12 kids to Germany with another leader.
It is really silly in retrospect (as many things are) just how totally scared I was. I was leading 12 kids across the ocean. I was supposed to be the brave one, the one who was in charge and could take care of these kids and here I was back in middle school worrying what I would do if people hated me. I kid you not.
But onward I forged. July 20th I boarded a plan with a group of kids and we were off across the Atlantic. Our first week was the "homestay" portion of the trip. The kids all went off to different families in and around Hannover Germany which my co-leader and I stayed with some other counselors from the Hannover YMCA. We had such a great week. We went hiking in the Harz mountains, we spent a day at the zoo, we wandered the city, I got very well acquainted with German beer and made a new group of friends.
Sooner than I anticipated we were off to camp. It was great to be back with my kids. I loved hearing about their experience. I loved seeing this adventure through their eyes. They were so very lit up with the wonder of it all - you know, while maintaining a cool that one can truly only hold onto when one is 15. We put on skits for the kids, we stayed up late, we swam, we ate a lot of food that was completely unidentifiable to me. I played the role of a crazy woman. I hiked 50km and canoed 12 km in 3 days time.
I saw this sight.
Germany is a beautiful country and I spent the evening that photo was taken thanking whatever it was out there that brought me to this point in my life. There I sat on the banks of the Aller River in Germany with a group of new friends listening to them sing some of the most beautiful songs I had ever heard.
I met friends from Spain, Russia, Japan and Germany. I learned to figure out when someone was talking about me in German. I discovered some very yummy beers. I ate a lot of bread and lunch meat. I ran through fountains in Munich. I visited holy and sacred places. I called my father and got to say "I"m calling you for the former East Berlin"
I realized that I had no reason to be scared at all.
Our final week was spent traveling the country. We started in Berlin, onto Dresden and then finishing up in Munich. We slept in YMCA hostels on land and on boats.
I saw castles and mountains and street performers.
I realized that I needed to find more opportunities to step out of my comfort zone. If I had known how nervous I would be in that cabin in the woods, acutely aware of every noise, I would very likely have decided not to go. I would have missed the opportunity of a life time. A chance to see new places. A chance to meet new people and most importantly a chance to challenge myself in ways that I never had.
*from the song Shoes ~ Quarter to Eleven
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