Sometimes love is hard

I was someone who always had pets growing up...be they gerbils, cats, dogs, guinea pigs, fish or bunnies.  When I moved out of my mom's house, I knew that I wanted to get a cat.  For the first 2 years I had a roommate named Julie and Julie was allergic to cats.  As much as I wanted a cat, I wanted someone to split the rent with more so I put a kitten on hold.  Then Julie and I divorced when she went off to law school and I found myself living alone for the first time in my life and I knew it was time to get a kitten.  Once I got settled into my apartment, I went to the Delaware County SPCA and I found a kitten.  I knew I wanted a girl and I knew her name would be Grace.  In the mix of kittens was this one who was so cute, so curious looking and well...wacky.  In fact, wacky was the word that the staff at the SPCA used to describe her and it truly fit.  I brought Gracie home in October of 1998 and I fell instantly in love.  

She wasn't even 2 pounds when I brought her home and within 3 days of her arrival, she came down with a pretty bad upper respiratory infection.  I spent that night with her in the crook of my elbow listening to her sneeze and wheeze with fear that she wouldn't make it through the night. It was my first glimpse into what it must be like to be a mother.  The next day she went to the vet and a few antibiotics later, she made a full and quick recovery.  Grace was an intense kitten, to say the least.  She always had to be next to me, touching me or in her favourite spot.  On my chest.  That wasn't a big problem when she weighed 3 or 4 pounds...at 15+ pounds...it was a bit more of a challenge.  But one I took on as long as she was sure not to sit in such a way that I couldn't breathe.  

Grace grew into a gorgeous cat.  Her markings were really magnificent and she would sit so beautifully that you just wanted to pick her up and love on her.

Except she would never have put up with that in a million years.  It became clear as she got older that she had "issues".  I believe that is the PC description for her absolute craziness.  People who were regular guests in my home knew the drill:

• don't look her in the eye
• let her brush up against you and hiss at her
• don't engage her
• don't get too close to her
• when she hisses, spits, coughs - steer clear because it is only going to get worse

If I was having more than a few folks over or kids?  Grace was locked in another room.  For most of her life, I was the only one she would tolerate being anywhere near her.  She would put up with my ex-husband when I wasn't available and she eventually warmed up to my husband such that she would let him pet her...sometimes.  But all in all, Grace could be described as nothing short of dangerous.  

Grace bit me more times than I can even tell you.  It numbers into the hundreds.  Mostly it was hands, arms or ankles but one time she bit my face and missed my eye by an inch or so.  I took Grace to the vet a few times to try to get her help.  Once the vet prescribed the kitty version of prozac but that made her more aggressive.  Once I brought her into the vet because she had licked her belly so compulsively that she was completely bald.  No one really had a good answer or solution about how to help her so I just let it go.  I just knew she was crazy and I knew how to manage it so that no one else was really in danger.  But I have known for years that once I started a family, I would have to do something with her.  I couldn't have a baby in the house with her -- it was just too risky.

Over the last few weeks, we've been taking the cats to the vet as we had both been lax in taking care of that.  Ithy went first and then it was Hannah's turn.  I explained to the vet what Grace was like and they gave me something to give her to try to drug her up a little bit so that I could get her into the cat carrier.  The last time I took her to the vet she bit me 5 or 6 times and scratched the hell out of my stomach as I tried to get her into the carrier.

A view into what Grace looked like a few times a day...

So on October 27th, I took Grace for her appointment.  I think in the depth of my heart I knew what the vet was going to tell me but I truly hoped that they would say "yes, we have just the drug for her and she'll be fine!"  While waiting for the vet, she was very calm in her carrier and I thought that this might be ok.  Then the vet and vet tech came in and tried to take her out of her carrier and all hell broke loose.  They tried to examine her but she flipped out as bad as I have seen her.  She bit the vet tech and she was completely crazed.  The vet asked a million questions about her behaviour and her history and I explained it all and while the vet was as kind as anyone could be - she was also really honest with me.  She said the words I had been dreading hearing from a professional.  Grace wasn't wired right and she was dangerous.  She was aggressive and frankly I was lucky that she hadn't hurt me more or hadn't hurt someone in my home.  I asked again and again if there was anything that could be given to her to help her, calm her down but there really was nothing.  I heard in my mind again and again the sounds she made when they tried to touch her and I looked at her shaking on the table, constantly growling with her low tone growl which I know full well means she is just waiting to strike.  

We talked about the fact that I knew I would have to put her down eventually.  I had always put it off saying that once I had kids, I would do it.  But they advised that I do it that day.  It would never get any easier (that's true) and she was there and that was a huge ordeal for her (also true).  They gave me time to think about it.  I sat with her and I cried.  She let me pet her a few times and I got to kiss her head and I cried some more.  My husband was having a temporary crown put on so I called my mom and she came right over.  We talked it over and over and over again and I decided to do it.  I loved her so much -- I didn't want her to suffer anymore. For 12 years I had watched her live in fear - she was never weaned properly from her mother and as a result, she was constantly on guard and instead of retreating or hiding, she attacked.  I had never wanted her to suffer and I knew that just getting her back into the carrier and bringing her home would be horrific for her.  The vet came in and they had to put her into a box so that they could give her the functional equivalent of nitrous gas so that they could get an IV in her.  As long as I live I will never forget how upset she was getting into that box.  I sobbed in a way I have only sobbed a few times in my life.  

They took her into the surgery room and once she was calmed down they brought me back to see her.  It was the first time since she was a kitten that I could really love on her.  I kissed her and petted her and kissed her some more.  I apologized that I couldn't make this better for her and told her over and over again how much I loved her  She was my first responsibility as an adult and I told her over and over again how I hoped I had done right by her.  I kissed her once more and told her I loved her and I left.

I have done a few very difficult things in my life - I told my ex-husband I wanted a divorce.  I cut off contact with my father for 4 years.  I have put my first pet down to end her suffering.  These things I have done though I did with love.  Love for myself, for my partner and great love for Grace.  

I have been wrestling with this decision for 2 weeks now.  I have wanted to write about it but I haven't been able to find the words.  It is not constantly on my mind like it was for the first few days but I still ache in my bones.  I miss her.  This morning I thought I saw her out of the corner of my eye.  I miss her smell and her warmth.  I am still not used to the idea that she won't constantly be there trying to crawl onto my lap.  And yet, the fact that I didn't have to find her when she was sleeping and put her in the basement when I had folks over on Sunday was a...relief.  And I feel terrible for feeling that way.  I am so sorry that she suffered so much and I am so sad that I couldn't make it better for her.  I hope and pray that I took the best care of her that I could.  Everyone tells me that I did.  People have said for years that she would have been long gone if she had wound up with someone else.  I have been told I had the patience of a saint to put up with her.  And as much as she hurt me and as much as she could annoy me -- I never felt like I was putting up with her.  I loved her with all of my heart. 

I always will.

Comments

[Cheryl]

As i read this in tears, (with George nudging my left hand) know the right thing has happened. Sometimes it takes a while for us to realize what the right thing was, but the right thing did indeed happen. Your lifes lessone from Grace will always be with you

[Cecily]

Aw, so sorry Amanda. Loosing a member of your family is so tough. We have had to put down two cats. Coke about 4 years ago (she was 17) then Jack the Thanksgiving before last. Both were terrible events for us, and to this day I can still hear them jump off the landing, or see them. I still think about them all the time. Be brave and remember the good things, the end is very tough, but really was the best thing for Grace, and for you. Sending love and hugs.

Cecily

[Mary]

The tears are flowing here. Grace was a very special cat who couldn't be helped. You were the BEST cat mama to her -- she really loved you.

[Kerrie]

Gosh, I shouldn't have read this at work. :( What a wonderful tribute this is, and what a wonderful mama you were to Gracie.

[Lynette]

Damn... now I am crying at work!! You were a wonderful Momma to Grace!!!

[Julie]

Amanda, I am soo sorry. I am here are work (illegally looking at your blog, crying) Gracie was loved and cared for for 12 years and only you could give her the home and love she wanted and needed. She I am sure thanks you !

Love me.

(BTW sorry we divorced and I turned gay. But the bonus is since I have MS the drugs have pretty much elmimated my allergies and now I have a crazy Grace like cat, so you can come vist Abigail any time.)

[life with kaishon]

I am crying for you. She is very beautiful. I am sorry for your loss.

[Cass]

I am so very sorry..