A few weeks ago, I had a pretty amazing conversation with my dear friend, Colleen. I know I have mentioned Colleen before - she was my first coach, the one who inspired me to pursue coaching and frankly, she is just one of the most amazing people I have had the honour of meeting. (if she read this, she just cringed...love ya baby!) and we had what she called a 911 coaching session. I started off the conversation with "I'm so freaking sick of myself - why can't I get my shit together?" and being the good coach that she is - that wasn't quite enough of a conversation so we talked more about what that meant for me. For me, it was about being sedentary and not eating well and not taking care of myself spiritually and I was just over it. Almost in the way that a friend of mine's son was over our 4th of July party around 7:45 on Sunday night -- just done and frustrated. We talked a lot about my own worth and why it is that I know everything I'm "suppose to do" and yet am not doing it.
People find ways to compensate for their own perceived faults and lacking attributes. I have always tried to make up for being overweight by being the nicest person in the room and the funniest. Oh man, I can crack a joke at damn near anything and if I can't get my "audience" to laugh - I feel like I'm mere moments from being booted from the room. It took Colleen's observation of "you're not that f'ing funny, Amanda" to really make me see that perhaps, just perhaps I've got more going on and more to give in a situation. Fear not, my fine feathered friends, I'm not leaving the funny at home but perhaps there is more going on between these 2 ears and the rest of me. We talked about the fact that I have always felt I am an old soul - I have always felt like I have done this before and I've got some unfinished work to do on this round upon this mortal coil. We also talked about the fact that people see me as a strong life force. That took me aback. That took me so far aback that had I not been sitting in my seat driving, I would have literally fallen back. I have now been sitting with this for the last few weeks and I am starting to see how and where people see me as such. One a lovely weekend in June - 2 entirely different groups of women threw me 2 amazingly different and equally as special bridal celebrations - in discussing one with a friend she said "you really are the keystone of this group of women". I don't often think of myself in this way, I ponder so often my own ability to disappear and have no one notice but when I can objectively look back at situations and groups - I am often the person who is keeping things together...hell, I put together a newsletter like thing in college for all of our high school friends since I was the one who talked to everyone and caught up with everyone! Perhaps I do have an energy that draws folks together in really loving communities.
In another part of this conversation with Colleen (which I assure you, lasted less than an hour -- she's just that good) we talked about the really wounded, sad kid that still lives inside of me and acts in a way to protect me at all costs but keeping me from living to my full potential and really going after my dreams. For years I have piled on the hate for this part of me - just one more person telling her that she's not good enough, not smart enough and for the love of Pete SHUT THE HELL UP. I've been working on giving her more of a voice and honour her more. I've been working on letting her speak and giving her the time and energy to know that the grownup part of me isn't going to screw her over. At the end of the day, we both want the same thing so I've promised her over and over again that I'll always do my best to act in her best interest and that I'll protect her - life isn't perpetually the 6th grade full of fear and pain and dread. There's more out there and we've got the chance to go and find it.
It's been an interesting few weeks letting these 2 folks talk stuff out and work it all out - we're not 100% of the way there yet but we're getting closer and we're able to look at our self in a much kinder way. And we've started moving the body again by swimming - my body is thankful for it...my hair? Not so much.
That's why god invented conditioner, right?
hello! can you email me when you get a chance? it's about jess loolu and her piglet! :-) alicewonderland0 at gmail. thanks!!
Posted by: alice | Wednesday, 21 July 2010 at 12:35 PM