Kindness

"Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me" - Clairee Belcher - Steel Magnolias

I admit it -- that quote has always made me laugh.  I think everyone likes a little bit of gossip.  I think everyone likes to be the one on the inside, who knows the real deal.  People see a couple arguing, they want to know the real story -- are they upset about the milk left on the counter or the fact that she found another woman's jewelry in her husband's pocket.

We are a culture completely surrounded by gossip - who dumped who, what happened, why did it happen?  Isn't he a dog?  Isn't she a slut?  You name it and we want to know about it.  Men certainly fall prey to this but I think that woman are guilty more often.

Over the last few weeks, I have been paying attention to how people treat people.  How often do we refer to someone as an idiot, a bitch, a piece of shit, a moron?  And as I have been plugging myself into that - I am astonished how often we do it.  How often *I* do it.  I have been told by most people that I am really a very nice person.  And for the most part, I would agree.  Last year I had a falling out with someone I thought to be a good friend and one of the attacks she lobbed at me was that I was 2 faced.  That I said horrible things about people who I consider my friends.  Her intent was to hurt me and it worked.  I was hurt.  I spent hours examining my actions - looking at old emails, recalling conversations.  And I came up with something.  My message is consistent.  If I think someone is a jerk - I think they are a jerk but I may frame that slightly differently to the woman who is dating said jerk than I would to a mutual friend.  If I think someone is making a mistake - I'll say it to that person but I'll say it differently to the other person.  The message, the spirit of the thought is the same but the delivery can be vastly different.

So while I thought I was exempt from worrying about such things -- like my words getting back to someone - I realized that I am not as exempt as I would like to be.  I enjoy sarcasm, I enjoy a snarky retort.  I truly do.  But what I don't enjoy is the anxiety that I feel when I fear that someone may hear my words out of context and be hurt by them.  I am kinder than that - now to make my words and my actions match because this is one of those things that is important to me.