The Aloft Blog

Things and thoughts and stuff

I have a number of blog posts in my brain right now that I need to take the time to write - topics include but are not limited to:

1. self-love/self-hate and why I can't seem to say a blessed nice thing about my body
2. the rituals of coupledom and ending those rituals
3. tackling my 100 things to do list
4. wanting something to train for
5. feeling completely daunted by planning, starting and hosting an eCourse
6. how very much I miss coaching.

I shall return with some posts on these subjects!

Kindness

"Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me" - Clairee Belcher - Steel Magnolias

I admit it -- that quote has always made me laugh.  I think everyone likes a little bit of gossip.  I think everyone likes to be the one on the inside, who knows the real deal.  People see a couple arguing, they want to know the real story -- are they upset about the milk left on the counter or the fact that she found another woman's jewelry in her husband's pocket.

We are a culture completely surrounded by gossip - who dumped who, what happened, why did it happen?  Isn't he a dog?  Isn't she a slut?  You name it and we want to know about it.  Men certainly fall prey to this but I think that woman are guilty more often.

Over the last few weeks, I have been paying attention to how people treat people.  How often do we refer to someone as an idiot, a bitch, a piece of shit, a moron?  And as I have been plugging myself into that - I am astonished how often we do it.  How often *I* do it.  I have been told by most people that I am really a very nice person.  And for the most part, I would agree.  Last year I had a falling out with someone I thought to be a good friend and one of the attacks she lobbed at me was that I was 2 faced.  That I said horrible things about people who I consider my friends.  Her intent was to hurt me and it worked.  I was hurt.  I spent hours examining my actions - looking at old emails, recalling conversations.  And I came up with something.  My message is consistent.  If I think someone is a jerk - I think they are a jerk but I may frame that slightly differently to the woman who is dating said jerk than I would to a mutual friend.  If I think someone is making a mistake - I'll say it to that person but I'll say it differently to the other person.  The message, the spirit of the thought is the same but the delivery can be vastly different.

So while I thought I was exempt from worrying about such things -- like my words getting back to someone - I realized that I am not as exempt as I would like to be.  I enjoy sarcasm, I enjoy a snarky retort.  I truly do.  But what I don't enjoy is the anxiety that I feel when I fear that someone may hear my words out of context and be hurt by them.  I am kinder than that - now to make my words and my actions match because this is one of those things that is important to me.

Remembering Places...

In October of 2007, I found myself in a really precarious place.  I was working for a company that I had longed to work for and yet I was miserable.  I could list a million reasons that have nothing to do with me about my own misery but I can  take responsibility for that which was mine.  And mine at that time was that I was in WAY over my head.  I was a director at a Fortune 250 company, I had a department of over 20 people reporting to me, I had a backlog of over $17 million dollars.  This was the big time and I was failing miserably.  I had to dig us out of a pit and I had no shovel and no axe with which to do it.  During a confrontation with my boss about our dire straits, I said the following:

"I don't know what you want from me, I am working 14 hours a day"

and his response?

"Maybe you need to start working 16"

and in that moment, I was done. I said to the universe, get me outta here!  I don't care what you come up with (and I really didn't) - I knew I needed to be out by December 31 for my own sanity.

And then my friend Jen presented an idea to me - come to Utah for a month and work at the Sundance Film Festival.  And I did exactly that.  I gave up a 6 figure job to make $8 an hour.  I had customers tell me my job must be so stressful - ya know, when films that they wanted to see were sold out. I just smiled and said "nope, I love this".  And I did.

But I was also a mess in that month.  I was holding tight to a truly hopeless relationship.  I wept for hours on a futon in the middle of Salt Lake City - I recounted every hour of that relationship.  The wonderful moments and the slights and as I tallied them up, there were more slights than wonderful moments.  I stopped referring to that person as my boyfriend which was LONG overdue and I put an ad on match.com.  I came home from Utah with a renewed spirit to go and change my life.  In a lot of way I succeeded, in a number I came up short but I learned a ton about myself and what I can make happen when I need to and where I still have work to do.

I was thinking of this time last night as I have started to reread "Eat, Pray, Love" - which I read during the trip to Utah.  I'm reading it as such a different person than I was then.  Our stories were the same, yet different.  Certainly no one was paying me to spend a year in Italy, India and Bali to find my head, heart and soul but I did step WAY out of my comfort zone and explored the world in a way I never thought I would.

Thank god for risk taking.

Let's set a scene

It was mid May 2008 and I was in Chicago on a business trip.  I had been attending boot camp for a few months and I had really built up a good habit of exercising 6 days a week.  So after my work I went downstairs to the little gym in the hotel and I got on the treadmill and I noticed it had a "jog" and "run" setting.  Ok I thought, let's try the jog setting - just see what that means.  So I did and it set me at a RAPID pace of 4.1 MPH (yes, I do know that is hardly fast) and I started jogging.  And I said to myself "just 1 minute -- let's do this for just 1 minute" and a minute came and I wasn't tired so I bargained again "2 minute, let's try that" - 2 came up quickly and I was doing great so I decided to be crazy and said "let's see if we can do this for .25 miles" - crazy, right?  Well, not really because I did it and I wasn't really winded/tired.  So I went through the same bargaining for .5 miles to .75 miles and then to a mile.  And I was FREAKING THE HELL OUT.  I had just run a mile.  I had NEVER been able to run a mile.  If it hadn't been a complete stranger on the TM next to me, I would have grabbed him and kissed him.  I ran upstairs and called my friend Maria and FREAKED THE HELL OUT with her.  I was so flippin happy and so proud of myself.  I felt strong and I felt good.

So what did I do?  I went downstairs the next day and did it again!  It wasn't a fluke.  I was doing it.  HOLY SCHMOLY!  I was running a mile. 

Then I came home from the trip and I went to my gym and I did it again!  HOW FREAKIN COOL!

And then you know what I did?

I never did it again.  Why?  I don't know.  I want to say I was/am lazy.  But I am starting to wonder if that is the story that I tell myself to excuse myself from participating in my life.  I was told as a kid over and over again that I was lazy -- I didn't make my bed (I still don't!), I did homework at the last minute (I still do!), I left my shoes in the middle of the living room (that one, not so much but I do leave them at the bottom of the stairs) but I am wondering if my Story of being lazy is just kind of holding me back.

The last few weeks I have been itching to get out there and run again but I know how painful it is going to be right now.  I am not where I was in the spring of 2008 and I kind of want to jump back to that without doing the work to get there.  However, I do know better and I know that you have to do the work to get there.  It won't just happen on its own. So with that in mind, I signed myself up for boot camp again.  I really did enjoy it - minus the HORRIFICALLY early hours (I have to be out of my house by 5:10 am) and I loved the leader, Jen Brango, who for some odd reason finds my intense snarkiness REALLY funny at 5 am (and folks, I'm really not that funny at 5 am but I am intensely snarky) so hopefully again - before I head off to Ireland, I can run a mile again because god damn that felt good!

13,515

That's how many days I have been alive...

SHEESH!  That's a lot of days.  It's funny -- some I can't remember at all and some are as strongly with me as the moment that they happened.  Some were fantastic, some were truly tragic and some were just plain ole days.

I decided for my 37th birthday, I would compile my Bucket List -- the 100 things I want to do before I die.  And let me tell you -- it was MUCH harder than I anticipated it would be.  But here it is.  Some will get crossed off quickly, some will take some time but I love the idea of just putting it out there.  For all I know, someone will stumble across this blog and say "hey, I can help make that happen" and then you're off to the races, right? 

So without further ado

My 100 things to do before I leave this mortal coil...

1. Go to Ireland

2. Give birth

3. Visit all 50 states

4. Visit all 10 Canadian provinces

5. Visit all 7 continents

6. Be the lead photographer on a wedding

7. Be a full-time coach

8. Learn to play guitar

9. Record an album

10   Knit a sweater

11.  Write a book

12.  Publish a book

13.  Build my dream house

14.  Go to culinary school

15.  Make a soufflé

16.  Attend an art retreat

17.  Make a queen size quilt

18.  Open a coffee shop

19.  Learn to garden

20.  Visit Machu Pichu

21.  Take an Alaskan cruise

22.  Take a Mediterranean cruise

23.  Visit Israel

24.  Visit Iceland

25.  See the Grand Canyon

26.  Take a bike tour through California wine country

27.  Open a winery

28.  Get a masters from UC Davis in wine making

29.  Learn to brew beer

30.  Have my home featured in a design magazine

31.  Open an Etsy shop

32.  Stop worrying about money so much

33.  Live in Seattle

34.  Have a “this I believe” broadcast on NPR

35.  Teach meditation

36.  Earn a M. Div.

37.  Learn to speak French

38.  Live in Ireland

39.  Attend SxSW

40.  Sew my own clothes

41.  Run a 5K

42.  Host a monthly dinner party with friends

43.  Take ballet lessons again

44.  Have a porch with a porch swing

45.  Live in a small town where everyone knows everyone

46.  Learn to change the oil in my car

47.  Ride a century

48.  Help others

49.  Fund someone other than my children’s college education

50.  Eat entirely organic

51.  Make Thanksgiving dinner without the last 10 minute crazed push to get everything done

52.  Make candles

53.  Attend all 3 races of the triple crown

54.  Go to the summer Olympics

55.  Go to the winter Olympics

56.  Raise strong, thoughtful children

57.  Start a company where people can do their best work

58.  Remind people daily that kindness always wins

59.  See my middle school best friend Seth again

60.  Learn to love yoga

61.  Swim with dolphins

62.  Visit Cuba

63.  Make love in a vineyard

64.  Feel beautiful

65.  Feel sexy

66.  Be kinder to myself

67.  Take flying lessons

68.  Go on safari in Africa

69.  Stand in the Great Wall of China

70.  Visit Tuktoyaktuk

71.  See the pyramids in Egypt

72.  Sail throughout the British Virgin Islands

73.  Visit Yellowstone Park

74.  Visit Banff

75.  Ski in Switzerland

76.  Do a random act of kindness daily

77.  Learn to dance Salsa

78.  Live without a car

79.  Go to Oktoberfest in Munich with Karin

80.  Go camping

81.  Write a screen play

82.  Pick the score for a movie

83.  Attend the Academy Awards

84.  Bake bread

85.  Find the perfect cranberry muffin recipe

86.  Attend Peace Day in Hiroshima

87.  See Christ the Redeemer in Brazil

88.  Host a sleepover for my kids

89.  Attend the Toronto Film Festival

90.  Live without shame

91.  Visit Bali

92.  Spend a year traveling

93.  See St. Petersburg Russia

94.  Love with absolute abandon

95.  Make pottery

96.  Help someone else live their dream

97.  Remind everyone in doubt that everything is possible

98.  Deliver a baby

99.  Testify in front of congress

100.   Complete a triathlon

Celebration

I swear that the number of people who get randy around June must be really high because I know a TON of people with March birthdays.  March and October seem to dominate the birthday calendars in my life.

But March...my very first friend Gretchen...her birthday is 3/8.  My dearest Wendy had her first child in March 3/21...my father is 3/17, my uncle is 3/18 - according to Facebook I have over 30 friends with birthdays in March (the 8th and the 25th seem to be big ones in that mix)

My friend Jen who celebrating her 30th birthday on the 18th has been cataloging the 30 things which have made her who she is for the 30 day countdown to her big day and it's been such a treat to read! (Frankly, I wish I had done the same thing but alas, I shall have to wait until 40!)

And then there is March 16th...my birthday.  I love my birthday, I'll be really freakin honest.  I love it when people acknowledge my birthday, I love presents, I love cake (I hate having happy birthday sung to me, tho!) but I love it.

My birthday is some of my most favourite memories...my love Michael J. Fox hosted SNL on my 18th birthday...right before my 21st birthday I experienced the joy of having a man tell me he loved me, I celebrated my 30th birthday with a trip to Rome and for my 35th birthday I had the joy of all of my friends surrounding me to celebrate.  These are some days that I shall never forget. 

I have had some tough birthdays too...I remember 23.  That freaked me out.  I was closer to 40 than being born and 40 seemed OLD!  My 34th birthday which was just a comedy of errors and loneliness that led to crying over wine and a drunken tear fest the next night with my best girlfriends...

Some birthdays are better than others!

But I'm turning 37 next week.

Thirty-seven.

And I'm really ...conflicted about it.

I fully believe that age is just a number and that while we may set out goals and plans and dreams...those are just goals and plans and dream -- they only have the weight and value that we give to them.  And I love where I am in my life - I have plans for my coaching business, I'm marrying a wonderful man in a few short months, I lhave friends and family that love me and care for me.  The only thing that is missing from my life is a child and I think that's why I am most bothered by this birthday.

When I divorced my ex-husband, I said to anyone who would listen...if I was still single by the time I was 38 I was going to have a kid on my own.  Fine, dandy.  I was 33 -- 38 was far away and I won't have to trigger that plan anyway but I am still ...shocked.  Shocked is honestly the best word.  I am shocked that I am going to be a first time mom at 38 instead of sending my kids to 1st and 3rd grade (which is where I would he had the plan happened as planned.)

Thank goodness I'm not because that means I would have had children with my ex and as much as we had a truly amicable divorce - I am glad that we do not have to co-parent children together.  The things that made me say enough and the things that made me walk away from our marriage would have made co-parenting incredibly challenging...so for that?  I am so grateful.

And I am so much better equipped to have a child now than I was at 30.  I am in a much better relationship.  I am much more financially secure.  I am much more emotionally secure - all great things and still...I will be 50 well before my children graduate from high school.  That just feels OLD.

So I am struggling with coming upon my 37th birthday.  I am sure it will be a lovely one.  We're going to my favourite local restaurant on Tuesday and then to a new and highly recommended restaurant in the city on the following Saturday.  I am sure I will get calls and notes and thoughts and I will be reminded again of how truly blessed I am but if I'm being real about where I am...where I am is struggling.

It's time to start making a plan

Since I decided I wanted to be a coach, I have been grasping at what straws trying to figure out what it was that I wanted to do.  I figured out pretty early on that career and leadership coaching just weren't my cup of tea.  I know so many fabulous coaches in those arenas that faking it until I make it just didn't make any sense to me. So I continued to think about it...

and think about it....

and think about it....

And the thing that I keep coming back to -- the thing that I really feel like I speak most to and can really help people with is building a new life after divorce.  It sounds cliche but the first night that I sat alone in my house, the first night I spent without my then husband...I truly thought that was it.  That I would just be bidding my time until all was said and done.  Eventually though, I picked myself up off the floor, had a boat load of bad dates, gave all of myself to a relationship that wasn't meant to be and created very clear intentions of what I wanted my life to look like.  And, I am thrilled to say, that it truly does.  But how can I help other people find that path?  I love one on one coaching but I am not sure that's the most effective way to go about this.  Not that I don't want to do it but I am not focusing on it -- when it comes, it will come.  

I have participated in a few eCourses and have gotten a lot out of them...so it dawned on me during dinner last week with a friend...why not create and lead your own eCourse.  I am a trainer by training -- this is something about which I am passionate and I think it would be a boat load of fun.

When you find yourself divorced in your mid-30s, you are presented with so many options.  In a lot of ways, I think you have more options than you did when you were younger...you have some maturity, experience and perspective that you didn't have before and you have options.  Options, options, options.  

Do you want to marry again?  Do you want to have a family? Do you want to move some place entirely new? Do you want a new career? Do you want to travel? Do you want to write a book? Do you have no blessed clue what you want to do? 

All of those options are open to you but it is really tough to jump from deciding to end your marriage into the new life you imagined.  There is work to be done to close your previous relationship.  There are lessons to be processed, there is self-discovery to pursue and there is new and unimagined joy to be found. 

So with that I am in the throes of putting together an eCourse for 2011...it doesn't have a name but it has a framework and I'm so excited to get started with it!

Is this thing on?

I wish I had a good audio file of that sound that people make when they breathe into microphones to see if they are on.

For this is my microphone and it hasn't been on in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.  I wish I had a really good reason why I haven't blogged, but I don't.  Have I been busy?  Yes.  Wedding planning and work and shoveling snow...did you know in the mid-Atlantic states we have gotten a "me's" worth of snow this winter?  I'm 5'8" - that's a LOT of snow!  But that's no real excuse.

I was sitting at lunch with my betrothed on President's Day thinking to myself "I don't want to go to work tomorrow -- I really just want to coach." - and that's not because my job sucks or anything.  It's a fine job, with fine people but it isn't feeding and I need to be fed.  So I'm back to this blog because I enjoy the writing and I want to slowly morph this blog into a place where I can work more on my coaching -- of myself and others.

To get us back into the flow - I'm stealing this meme from Kate Swoboda.

I am: looking forward to new adventures.

I think: that life can be what you make of it

I know: everyone's story matters

I want: be fulfilled by my work

I have: worries.  I worry too much

I dislike: how I feel in my body right now

I miss: Seattle

I fear: never really being all that I can be

I feel: contemplative

I hear: NPR

I smell: my lavender hand lotion

I crave: being fulfilled

I usually: sleep with the same stuffed animal I have slept with since I was 9 months old

I search: peace

I wonder: if Grace is ok

I regret: not always taking care of myself

I love: my life

I care: about the people in my life

I am always: wondering where the story will wind up!

I worry: about everything

I remember: where I was 4 years ago and am so thankful I am here today

I have: everything I need to be who I want to be.

I dance: badly!

I sing: all of the time

I don’t always: exercise

I argue: so very rarely

I write: because one of my secret dreams is to be a writer

I lose: myself sometimes.

I wish: I didn't doubt myself so much

I listen: lovingly

I don’t understand: why we are fighting about health care - how can we, as a people with a conscience, not take care of each other.

I can usually be found: with my iPhone!

I am scared: that people judge me all of the time

I need: love, acceptance and Wawa ice.

I forget: I am strong

I am happy: when I am with the people I love most.