I swear that the number of people who get randy around June must be really high because I know a TON of people with March birthdays. March and October seem to dominate the birthday calendars in my life.
But March...my very first friend Gretchen...her birthday is 3/8. My dearest Wendy had her first child in March 3/21...my father is 3/17, my uncle is 3/18 - according to Facebook I have over 30 friends with birthdays in March (the 8th and the 25th seem to be big ones in that mix)
My friend Jen who celebrating her 30th birthday on the 18th has been cataloging the 30 things which have made her who she is for the 30 day countdown to her big day and it's been such a treat to read! (Frankly, I wish I had done the same thing but alas, I shall have to wait until 40!)
And then there is March 16th...my birthday. I love my birthday, I'll be really freakin honest. I love it when people acknowledge my birthday, I love presents, I love cake (I hate having happy birthday sung to me, tho!) but I love it.
My birthday is some of my most favourite memories...my love Michael J. Fox hosted SNL on my 18th birthday...right before my 21st birthday I experienced the joy of having a man tell me he loved me, I celebrated my 30th birthday with a trip to Rome and for my 35th birthday I had the joy of all of my friends surrounding me to celebrate. These are some days that I shall never forget.
I have had some tough birthdays too...I remember 23. That freaked me out. I was closer to 40 than being born and 40 seemed OLD! My 34th birthday which was just a comedy of errors and loneliness that led to crying over wine and a drunken tear fest the next night with my best girlfriends...
Some birthdays are better than others!
But I'm turning 37 next week.
Thirty-seven.
And I'm really ...conflicted about it.
I fully believe that age is just a number and that while we may set out goals and plans and dreams...those are just goals and plans and dream -- they only have the weight and value that we give to them. And I love where I am in my life - I have plans for my coaching business, I'm marrying a wonderful man in a few short months, I lhave friends and family that love me and care for me. The only thing that is missing from my life is a child and I think that's why I am most bothered by this birthday.
When I divorced my ex-husband, I said to anyone who would listen...if I was still single by the time I was 38 I was going to have a kid on my own. Fine, dandy. I was 33 -- 38 was far away and I won't have to trigger that plan anyway but I am still ...shocked. Shocked is honestly the best word. I am shocked that I am going to be a first time mom at 38 instead of sending my kids to 1st and 3rd grade (which is where I would he had the plan happened as planned.)
Thank goodness I'm not because that means I would have had children with my ex and as much as we had a truly amicable divorce - I am glad that we do not have to co-parent children together. The things that made me say enough and the things that made me walk away from our marriage would have made co-parenting incredibly challenging...so for that? I am so grateful.
And I am so much better equipped to have a child now than I was at 30. I am in a much better relationship. I am much more financially secure. I am much more emotionally secure - all great things and still...I will be 50 well before my children graduate from high school. That just feels OLD.
So I am struggling with coming upon my 37th birthday. I am sure it will be a lovely one. We're going to my favourite local restaurant on Tuesday and then to a new and highly recommended restaurant in the city on the following Saturday. I am sure I will get calls and notes and thoughts and I will be reminded again of how truly blessed I am but if I'm being real about where I am...where I am is struggling.
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