You're not as bad off as you think you are...

The other night I was talking with my boyfriend and I think I was blathering on about my self-esteem/confidence issues and he said something to the effect of the above to me (I forget the exact quote but that was certainly the sentiment). I made some joke about how he doesn't live in my head so he has no clue and he said "nope, you have a back bone, you aren't a total wimp" and then the conversation went in another direction and that was that. I have been sitting with that for the last few days+.  I am really starting to imagine that I may not be as bad off as I think I am.  

Another friend sent me an email that started with the following: 

Amanda,

You are one of the strongest, most confident women I know.  That said, we can all use an ego boost from time to time.

I really wanted to write back to her and say "are you sure you're writing to the right Amanda? " but the specific ego boost could only have been meant for me.

It is always so stunning to me when people tell me I am this poised, confident person because my inner monologue doesn't talk that language in the least.  But then I have moments when I deviate from my script and find new lines.  The other night I was at a professional networking meeting and I was getting a cocktail at the bar before it started and I looked at myself in the mirror across the bar and thought to myself without double thinking it "wow, I look really pretty" - I had good hair, I had a good outfit, I felt good and I was able to really notice it and take it in.  I know that a lot of the time, I look goofy.  I do goofy stuff.  Just last night my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch watching TV and I was trying to figure out a new thing in my knitting project (the plan to improve my knitting is in full force) and I could feel him looking at me and I looked up and said "what?" and he said "you were concentrating so hard and sticking your tongue out" - I asked if I did that a lot and apparently, I do.  I am by no means above silly and with the right people and in the right place -- I'll bust out a Barry Manilow song with the best of them - seriously?  Don't test me - I've got some mad Barry skills!  But maybe, just maybe, it is the moments when I can do that -- when I can stop worrying about what people are going to think of me and can just do what feels natural and right?  Maybe those are the moments when I'm just not as bad as I think I am - I'm pretty damn good.

Comments

[Karin]

in fact, you rock!