Years ago I did cross stitching which I completely haven't thought of in years until I saw Kermit's eyes -- as I did a Kermit once and his eyes were fun to do....anyway, again, I digress.
It's not easy being green and it's not easy having some crappy self-esteem. This isn't a poor, pitiful me post. I'm actually in a good mood today minus the icky weather and the frumpy outfit I put together today. It was pouring when I left for work -- no need to work on cute when it would have been ruined in 5 seconds flat. But as I mentioned the other day, I've been listening to a lot of Dan Savage which means I've been hearing about A LOT of people's sex lives. At some point, I've got to stop if for no other reason than my boyfriend is going to get tired of me prattling on about the latest oddity I heard about or the fact that I am now dropping the word "cock" like it's going out of style.
(special note to my reader(s) - my mom is out of the country and I am hoping she doesn't get all caught up when she gets back -- I'm hoping she just jumps in from where she comes in. Not that my mom doesn't know I have had or have sex, I was married, I am 36 -- she has done the math -- but at the same time -- she doesn't need to know much more than that)
Anyway, I digress. One of the consistent messages I have heard from listeners and Dan Savage alike is that you've got to be willing to talk about your sexual self and you've got to be willing to ask for what you want. I agree with this lock, stock and barrel - 100% - hells yeah! I'm on board. It's the right message, the right time (I'm starting to sound like I'm running for office here, aren't I?)
But here's the problem. When you have crappy self-esteem. You can't. Or rather *I* can't. Now you are saying to yourself "just say it, what's it going to hurt" and you are right. I know this in my head. My heart and my mouth? Not so much. I am sure part of it is a bit of a slut/virgin issue. Ya know -- women who like sex are sluts yet men who do are studs. Women are supposed to be...oh, I have no flippin clue what we're supposed to be other than what we are but I am sure that society has some impact on this issue for me. But that's not the crux of it. The crux of it is me and my opinion of my physical being and how that projects into the world. I was recently chatting with someone with whom I hooked up during the summer after my exhusband and I split up. It was a total friends with benefits situation which was very much what I needed at that time - but we were chatting (the joys of talking online and the things you would talk about that you might never actually say if you had to use...ya know, your voice) and I was telling him my quandry. My feeling of being anything but sexy and he was baffled. Totally baffled. He assured me in many ways that I did not project myself that way, at all. I actually wanted to ask him if he knew who he was talking to -- if he remembered who I was in the story of his life but based on the conversation -- he was talking about me. It was just so shocking because ...well, I was shocked. I never see myself that way. I'm girl next door cute. I'm not a bombshell, I'm heavy, I'm a bit (ok, make that a lot) dorky and I love Barry Manilow. These are not the ingredients that make up a sexy person. At least in my own blocked head.
Then I think back to other relationships -- ones in which men have not been so kind, in which I let myself be abused, I put up with less than I needed, wanted, or deserved and as much as I know that was a total "their problem, not mine" situation - it still impacts me. It still makes me think that I shouldn't ask for what I want - that I don't somehow deserve it.
There are a lot of things that people who don't struggle with their appearance don't understand - it's difficult to explain. It's difficult for someone who doesn't have self-worth issues to truly understand why someone puts up with less than they deserve, why they struggle with articulating what they want in the most private and intimate ways. It is a struggle to accept that someone truly loves you without finding a way to sabotage it or test it or screw it up.
I don't have a solution for this problem, certainly not today. It is just something that has been heavily on my mind over the last few weeks and it is absolutely an area where I want to feel more comfortable. I mean, come on -- I'm a 36 year old woman -- if I miss my sexual prime because I'm a wimp? I am going to be PISSED!
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