The Aloft Blog

what's it all about?

 So here I am -- almost 6 weeks into this here blog thing and I've been thinking tonight about it and its goal and if I am being successful.  The goal of this whole thing is to be comfy in my own skin - how do I measure that though?  Posing naked?  Asking for help when I need it?  Being unafraid of the world? Running for President?

It's a great goal but it isn't terribly measurable.  Do I feel better than when I started this blog?  Yes.  I absolutely do.  The middle of September was a REALLY tough time for me but I feel like things are much better -- much more back on track.  That's great and I am happy -- I was a pretty miserable kid for a few weeks there.  But does that make me comfier?  Happy with *ME*?  I don't know.  I think so but I don't know.  I'm not sure how to measure it.  

I am working on stepping out of my own comfort zone -- putting myself in places where I wouldn't normally find myself and sucking up the gumption to do it.  I have done it a bit - I definitely need to do more.  But I haven't spent every blog post dealing with this stuff - I've used it to do that, for sure.  I've used it to figure out some things for myself and I've used it to pontificate about things.  I certainly do not have a small number of opinions on things - does posting that violate the rules of this blog?  I'm not sure about that one either.

I'm just thinking a lot about this blog and where I want it to go.  This isn't my first blog but I have kept up with this better than other ones so for that -- I feel good.

And for people who know me only through this blog?  Thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read.  I hope you stick around and I hope you identify yourself.  I'd like to get to know you as you are getting to know me.

I feel I need to confess something...

To begin, let me say this.  I am not a big fan of reality TV.  I've never watched "Survivor", I've seen about 1/2 of an episode of "Amazing Race" - I've never watched "American Idol" or those dancing shows (despite my mother's insistence that they are...compelling.)  I did watch "Joe Millionaire" where that idiot woman wanted to be a mercenary and wash the children.   I watched a few seasons of "The Bachelor" and "Bachelorette" - I think I even watched Ryan and Trista's wedding (mostly with my jaw on the floor.)  So I am not totally ignorant of reality TV - I have enough friends that watch it that I have a small sense of what goes on in these shows etc.  I am no expert but I do have an opinion.

And my opinion is this:

I DESPISE The Biggest Loser.  The intarwebs seems to be all a buzz today about the woman on BL who lost her whole family etc.  My heart goes out to this woman -- I can't imagine losing my family tragically.  I hope I never have to imagine it.  And good for her for getting out of bed and living life because I think a lot of us would be tempted to do otherwise.

That being said - I truly, in my heart and in my soul feel that BL is a horribly cruel and evil show.  Now, I know that some of you, my friends, love the show, watch the show, are inspired by the show.  And I think that's great.  I think that anything that gets people to live healthy lives and do things to take care of themselves is good.  But at the beginning of the last few fall TV seasons when people have started talking about this -- I get a lump in my throat and stomach that makes it hard for me to breathe.  I try to explain this to my friends and they don't understand.  They tell me that I'm the one who doesn't understand the point of the show.  That if I would just watch it, I too would be inspired.  It would help heal me of my issues with food and my body and my being.  And I think they are very sincere in their appreciation of this show and their love of me. 

I have tried to watch the show on 2 occasions - both times left me in tears and hyperventilating.  And not the kinds of tears my friends talk about -- the kind of tears where you are so angry and so hurt and so humiliated for yourself or what you are watching that you wish you could erase it from your mind.  The fact that they put people through "food challenges" is despicable to me.  Absolute abuse.  And here is why.  To get to the point that these people are  - 100, 200 and 300 pounds overweight.  They have a very destructive relationship with food.  They are likely food addicts and they are certainly stuffing other stuff done with food.  You don't get to be that heavy just because you like candy a little too much.  You get that way because you are using food as a coping mechanism.  To me, doing these challenges is like throwing someone in AA into a bar with all you can drink liquors and saying "whatcha gonna do honey?  you gonna cave like a bad girl or are you going to be good and be better than we think you are?"  It is cruel and it is mean and it is disrespectful.  Add to that the fact that these people lose 20+ pounds a week or whatever the length of the episode is timewise.  I think this is setting people up who do not have a good understanding of nutrition and more than that -- do not have a good understanding of their emotional issues around food -- it's setting them up to feel like more of a failure than they already do. 

I think it is cruel and I think it is mean.  I think that hatred and mocking of people who struggle with weight is one of the few last tolerated bigotries in this country.  Through all of this talk about the health care crisis etc, we keep coming back to the idea that if people just lost weight, just were responsible etc, than that would cut down costs around health care.  And no doubt, our health care costs are high because people are overweight and aren't as healthy as they can be.  I don't deny that for a single second.  But what I find really hard to swallow (har!) is the impression that people who have never truly struggled with weight have that it's just about a little self-control and will-power.  That if you want it enough, it's easy.  It is easy for people who haven't used food as a coping mechanism for 30 years.  It is easy for people who just choose beef over chicken and once they choose leaner meats for a while are able to drop 10 pounds.  This isn't what we're talking about here.  This isn't about people who want to lose 5 pounds, 10 pounds or even 20 pounds.  This is about people who are 100 pounds overweight, 200 pounds overweight.  This is about people who live in constant shame - who wake up EVERY GOD DAMN MORNING and say "today is going to be different.  Today is the day I am going to get control of my life, I am going to be healthy" and then something comes up and stops them dead in their tracks and they feel they are going to rip out of their own skin if they can't eat something to stuff down the feelings...the hurt, the pain, the fear...whatever it is.

I know that everyone who is overweight won't agree with me.  And that's fine -- their journey is their own and I respect that. And I know that some of my friends and millions of other who have struggled with their weight find a lot to gain (again, har!) from watching BL but I can not be alone in this one. I can not be the only one who hears of this show and sees this show and doesn't feel like the universe is sending out a big FUCK YOU to all of us who have struggled.  I am not inspired by it. I just feel like it is one more way that society is reminding me of something that I fight with constantly.  That there is something wrong with me.

It's not easy being green!

Years ago I did cross stitching which I completely haven't thought of in years until I saw Kermit's eyes -- as I did a Kermit once and his eyes were fun to do....anyway, again, I digress.

It's not easy being green and it's not easy having some crappy self-esteem.  This isn't a poor, pitiful me post.  I'm actually in a good mood today minus the icky weather and the frumpy outfit I put together today.  It was pouring when I left for work -- no need to work on cute when it would have been ruined in 5 seconds flat.  But as I mentioned the other day, I've been listening to a lot of Dan Savage which means I've been hearing about A LOT of people's sex lives.  At some point, I've got to stop if for no other reason than my boyfriend is going to get tired of me prattling on about the latest oddity I heard about or the fact that I am now dropping the word "cock" like it's going out of style.

(special note to my reader(s) - my mom is out of the country and I am hoping she doesn't get all caught up when she gets back -- I'm hoping she just jumps in from where she comes in.  Not that my mom doesn't know I have had or have sex, I was married, I am 36 -- she has done the math -- but at the same time -- she doesn't need to know much more than that)

Anyway, I digress.  One of the consistent messages I have heard from listeners and Dan Savage alike is that you've got to be willing to talk about your sexual self and you've got to be willing to ask for what you want.  I agree with this lock, stock and barrel - 100% - hells yeah!  I'm on board.  It's the right message, the right time (I'm starting to sound like I'm running for office here, aren't I?)

But here's the problem.  When you have crappy self-esteem.  You can't.  Or rather *I* can't.  Now you are saying to yourself "just say it, what's it going to hurt" and you are right.  I know this in my head.  My heart and my mouth?  Not so much.  I am sure part of it is a bit of a slut/virgin issue.  Ya know -- women who like sex are sluts yet men who do are studs.  Women are supposed to be...oh, I have no flippin clue what we're supposed to be other than what we are but I am sure that society has some impact on this issue for me.  But that's not the crux of it.  The crux of it is me and my opinion of my physical being and how that projects into the world.  I was recently chatting with someone with whom I hooked up during the summer after my exhusband and I split up.  It was a total friends with benefits situation which was very much what I needed at that time - but we were chatting (the joys of talking online and the things you would talk about that you might never actually say if you had to use...ya know, your voice) and I was telling him my quandry.  My feeling of being anything but sexy and he was baffled.  Totally baffled.  He assured me in many ways that I did not project myself that way, at all.  I actually wanted to ask him if he knew who he was talking to -- if he remembered who I was in the story of his life but based on the conversation -- he was talking about me.  It was just so shocking because ...well, I was shocked.  I never see myself that way.  I'm girl next door cute.  I'm not a bombshell, I'm heavy, I'm a bit (ok, make that a lot) dorky and I love Barry Manilow.  These are not the ingredients that make up a sexy person.  At least in my own blocked head. 

Then I think back to other relationships -- ones in which men have not been so kind, in which I let myself be abused, I put up with less than I needed, wanted, or deserved and as much as I know that was a total "their problem, not mine" situation - it still impacts me.  It still makes me think that I shouldn't ask for what I want - that I don't somehow deserve it. 

There are a lot of things that people who don't struggle with their appearance don't understand - it's difficult to explain.  It's difficult for someone who doesn't have self-worth issues to truly understand why someone puts up with less than they deserve, why they struggle with articulating what they want in the most private and intimate ways.  It is a struggle to accept that someone truly loves you without finding a way to sabotage it or test it or screw it up.  

I don't have a solution for this problem, certainly not today.  It is just something that has been heavily on my mind over the last few weeks and it is absolutely an area where I want to feel more comfortable.  I mean, come on -- I'm a 36 year old woman -- if I miss my sexual prime because I'm a wimp?  I am going to be PISSED!

At a bit of a loss

I took another Friday off and got more stuff done around the homestead which was good and then had a really lovely weekend that included things like:

• Seeing The Hooters and Hall and Oates
• Trying a bunch of different and wonderful pumpkin beers
• A lovely time at church (I know - I never thought I'd think that but I do)
• A glorious fall day with my sweetie at a few wineries
• Napping with the above mentioned sweetie

What do you do when things in life are just peachy?

Smile

Round up to 1

Never, ever let it be said that I am one of the cool kids on the bleeding edge of the new cool thing.

I'm not.

Also, never, ever let it be said that if I have a crush on a guy -- chances are higher than not that he's gay.

Because he is.

I have known about Dan Savage for ages -- given my ridiculous love of all things Seattle, I have read "The Stranger" online for years (I laugh really hard every time my BFF says to me "so yeah, there was an article in this local paper called "The Stranger" and blah blah blah" - yes dear, I know and chances are...I read it too.  But I digress.

So I've known about this guy for ages but I have just started listening to his podcast...and now...I can't stop.  Seriously -- it's going to become a problem sooner than later.  And I love his advice - he is funny as hell, tells it like it is (though I may not always agree with him - I am certainly looking at open relationships in a very different way - and wonder if he and his husband have one) and has not a single iota of apology for dropping every curse word in the history of the universe. Seriously -- he makes me laugh. 

This morning I was listening to one where a woman called in wanting to know what to do about a guy she'd been with for like 4+ years, lived with for like 3+ years and from whom she is now split because he isn't sure he's ready to make the next step to marriage and she is because he's "the one".

And Dan said something interesting...there's no such thing as "the one" (which I agree with) but he continued with something to the effect of "there's only a bunch of people who are close and who we may round up to be 'the one'." and he also continued on that your "the one" is the current "the one" and if there is someone else, they then become your "the one".

It made me think a bit about the times when I have been in love and that person has been my "the one" - my 8th grade boyfriend was "the one" ...when I was 13.  I'm pretty sure if I ever found him again -- he wouldn't be "the one". 

A friend of mine is currently in a relationship that so mirrors the last romantic relationship that I had previous to my current one that it is difficult to help her - to talk to her about it because it not only brings up all of the pain and heartache and tears (and my GOD were there tears!) - but I also see where it is going.  She truly believe he is "the one" - just like I believed it of that relationship - she's gone so far as to tell me she'd fall apart without him.  And I believed the same.  But it is wonderful to be on the other side of that and know that relationship wasn't "the one" and I imagine my friend's isn't for her either but wow -- when you are in it -- really in it.  There is no one but "the one".

Pretty please? With sugar on top?

Last night I was chatting with someone and he was going on and on about how some gym membership wasn't what he wanted and he kept negotiating with the people and I thought "you don't negotiate with a gym?  Why are you being such a trouble maker?"  But after reading this today -- what struck me more was the fact that he was someone unafraid to ask for what he wanted and he was unafraid of the answer -- good or bad because not only was he not that invested in it but he knew it wasn't about him.  This is one of those HUGE light bulb moments for me.  I am not good at asking for what I want.  I am not good at doing it in the world, I am REALLY not good at doing it in relationships, I am just not good at it and that has been the cause of a lot of the settling I have done.  Like what I would really like is tea but I am offered water so I just take water and put up with it.  Not that water is bad and if the offer was poison, I would certainly speak up but when the option presented isn't bad *enough* - I just suck it up and take it. 

During this conversation, I mentioned to this guy that I was the kind of person who couldn't ask for help at Home Depot and his response was "well, they're a bunch of idiots there anyway".  First of all, they aren't.  The times I have ponied up the courage and asked for something, I have gotten great help.  (I have huge issues with the perception by the white collar folks of the world that if you work a more blue collar like job - your work isn't as valuable and you are an idiot -- but that's a post for another day).  What became clear to me though was that I was not being heard.  I have told this person multiple times of my self-confidence issues and he's like "nah, you're a diva" (yet another pet peeve term of mine!) - this person has never met me -- he's just someone I chat with.  Trust me, I find really odd people online -- rather, they find me.  Someday if you want a weird one, ask me about the adult baby.  But I digress...

I am someone who views rejection of any type as a rejection of me.  Of my soul, of my being, of my body, of my life.  And really?  Very few of the "no"s that one hears in the world are a rejection of who you are at all -- rather, the person you asked had to say no for any number of reasons which probably were all about them and not you.  While I can't imagine I will ever be someone in the world who makes trouble just to make trouble - I really do need to be more aware of the times that I don't ask for what I want for fear of rejection.  No does not equal rejection.

Free floating anxiety...

I have never had a panic attack - at least I think I haven't.  I have read people's accounts of them and I have never experienced anything like that but I have certainly had a lot of moments of free floating anxiety.  Sometimes it is situation specific and sometimes it is just there and I have no idea why.  I'm having one of those nights today.  I'm dealing with some stuff around refi-ing my house which i am sure is part of it -- I hate all things money and I hate the stress of it and anything around it is stress.  That is definitely part of it.  But I fear it is more than that and I'm not sure what it is.  

I remember when I was married and my ex and I were trying to get a lease on a house that we both loved and we didn't get it -- we were beat out by another applicant and I remember saying to him "I'm glad I'm married so I don't have to have this disappointment alone."  That is the part of being married I definitely miss.  Not that I can't take care of myself - I do a pretty ok job with it and I've been living alone now for 3.5 years but when I have this anxiety...well, I kind of wish I could dump it on someone else!

How nice am I?

You're not as bad off as you think you are...

The other night I was talking with my boyfriend and I think I was blathering on about my self-esteem/confidence issues and he said something to the effect of the above to me (I forget the exact quote but that was certainly the sentiment). I made some joke about how he doesn't live in my head so he has no clue and he said "nope, you have a back bone, you aren't a total wimp" and then the conversation went in another direction and that was that. I have been sitting with that for the last few days+.  I am really starting to imagine that I may not be as bad off as I think I am.  

Another friend sent me an email that started with the following: 

Amanda,

You are one of the strongest, most confident women I know.  That said, we can all use an ego boost from time to time.

I really wanted to write back to her and say "are you sure you're writing to the right Amanda? " but the specific ego boost could only have been meant for me.

It is always so stunning to me when people tell me I am this poised, confident person because my inner monologue doesn't talk that language in the least.  But then I have moments when I deviate from my script and find new lines.  The other night I was at a professional networking meeting and I was getting a cocktail at the bar before it started and I looked at myself in the mirror across the bar and thought to myself without double thinking it "wow, I look really pretty" - I had good hair, I had a good outfit, I felt good and I was able to really notice it and take it in.  I know that a lot of the time, I look goofy.  I do goofy stuff.  Just last night my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch watching TV and I was trying to figure out a new thing in my knitting project (the plan to improve my knitting is in full force) and I could feel him looking at me and I looked up and said "what?" and he said "you were concentrating so hard and sticking your tongue out" - I asked if I did that a lot and apparently, I do.  I am by no means above silly and with the right people and in the right place -- I'll bust out a Barry Manilow song with the best of them - seriously?  Don't test me - I've got some mad Barry skills!  But maybe, just maybe, it is the moments when I can do that -- when I can stop worrying about what people are going to think of me and can just do what feels natural and right?  Maybe those are the moments when I'm just not as bad as I think I am - I'm pretty damn good.

It's going to be a place where only the things you want to happen, would happen.

 

Like all urban hipsters, I flocked to see "Where The Wild Things Are" this weekend - which is funny because I am neither urban nor a hipster but I was dying to see this film.  To say I loved it is an understatement -- it was truly, truly beautiful.  I have read a lot of people who were disappointed that it didn't "stick to the book" - ummm....the book was 10 sentences.  How, pray tell, could you create a 94 minute film and stick solely to 10 sentences.  What Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers certainly did though was capture the magic and the love of the book in a visually stunning film.

But I'm not here to write a film review -- this movie has had me thinking all weekend about how our power can come from that which we believe about ourselves.  Max convinced the wild things that he was king and he could make them happy because he believed that he could.  And for a while, he did.  Not because he had any magic powers and not because he was truly a king but because he believed that he could.  I think we  walk around the world thinking that everyone believes that which we believe about ourselves.  And if those beliefs are that we are less than perfect, the world sees us that way.  What if that isn't so?  What if how the world sees you is entirely different from how you see yourself?  And what if what everyone else sees is more the truth than what you see?  How can that change how you function in the world?

I am drunk in my desire...

I'm sitting at work listening to Pandora and this song just came up for me...I haven't heard it in years and I just had the most visceral memory...the album "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" was a huge part of the year I lived with my friend Julie in West Chester.  We rented a 2 bedroom townhouse - I loved that place.  Hearing it, I could immediately smell the perfume I wore at the time - something by Avon that was their Christmas scent - I could feel the cold wood floor under my feet, I could see the maps of Seattle I had on my walls and I could remember talking to my boyfriend, Pete until all hours of the morning - mentally tracing the streets of Seattle until I knew them by heart without being there.  It literally took my breath away...

Elsewhere by Sarah McLachlan

I love the time and in between

The calm inside me
In the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
Distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out holding in

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand

I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
To live my life the way I feel is right for me
Might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand it

I would like to linger here in silence
If I choose to
Would you understand it
Would you try to understand...