You came, lifted me up but then you dropped a hurricane
Now I'm fighting to find the ground again, to steady my feet
Get up off my knees and just remember
That I am more than just somebody's puppet
I can find the cord and then I'll cut it
I stand a pretty good chance to dust myself off and dance
"Little Black Dress" - Sara Bareilles
I have a habit. Not sure if you'd call it a bad habit but since most people aren't impacted by it, it probably isn't bad (sorry kittens!). I dance around my kitchen and sing. I do this when I am cooking, when I am cleaning, when I am just passing through. Actually, let's be honest, I sing around my house a lot. The songs vary depending on the time and mood. As of late, this has been one of my favourite songs to sing around my house. I actually think I can do her voice relatively well (as long as no one else is there to verify).
I started this blog over 5 years ago. I had a few plans for it. I wanted to grow a coaching business (that didn't happen). I wanted someone to find me and realize I'm a great writer and hire me to write for them (that didn't happen). But most importantly, I really and truly wanted to learn to be ok in my own skin (spoiler alert: that happened).
I use Timehop on my phone - it's a fun application, it shows you what happened on a given day as long as your phone, Facebook, Instagram...whatever you hook to it can tell you. I have looked daily over the last few weeks and I just see how incredibly sad, dark and alone I was last fall. I remember the days so clearly...the sadness, the pain, the fear. Actually, the terror. I was terrified of so much. Some of the things that I was terrified of came to be. Some of them I survived and some of them led me to thrive.
Two weeks ago, I went to a women's wellness weekend at my summer camp. There are few places on the planet that are more important to me than that mountain. I got to take my best friend who had never been there to see it. I told her the stories of my time there. It was so very lovely. Saturday night we did a lantern ritual....It didn't go quite as planned but that isn't important. What is important is that we were encouraged to write something that we wanted to let go of on the lanterns. I wrote a person, an emotion and a belief. And then we lit them on fire.
The last 2 weeks have been transformative. The thought of a person who could make me cry at the drop of a hat for nearly 9 months....well, I can't even make myself cry. I actually tried....nope, no tears. The emotion and the belief....it's as if both of those things have just disappeared. I am not nearly naive enough to think that any of those pains are gone forever but the relief over the last few weeks has been amazing. My goal for this blog, the small car's worth of therapy and coaching I have engaged in over the last 2 years has really been worth it. It is incredibly sad that it's taken me 41 years to get here but I'm finally at a place where....well, things are good. I have worries and concerns, I'm just like everyone else on the planet. But I don't loathe myself. I don't hate a million different things about myself. I don't worry about being enough and in the same moment entirely too much. I just don't worry as much. I sing and dance around my kitchen. I laugh at my silliness. I love stongly and deeply. I show up as I am in almost all situations. I know that I am loved. Deeply loved and needed by a multitude of people. I had no idea when I started this journey that this was the path it would take and the time and the road and the and the and the....there was so much I didn't know. But today, sitting here....I know that this was the path that unfolded just as it should. And despite the pain and the sadness and the hurt....I am grateful for it. Life is good.