And I know that it's brief
There's not nearly enough in one night to have seen
What you had in your hand
Was much more than the gold that I let go to grab
So much more than the gold that I let go to grab
Last week, someone died. Well, I am sure a lot of people died last week but someone I knew died last week. His death wasn’t a surprise. He had a terminal illness. But the timing felt very off to many, if not all of us who knew him. Even though I knew it was coming, I was truly gutted by the news. A night that started with one of my favorite people on the planet winning on a game show, ended with the stark reality that this life we have is just so damn short.
Which sounds so amazingly cliché.
I have spent the last few months working through a lot of old wounds. I wouldn’t say I was depressed – but when someone asked me how I was and I wanted to give a sincere answer – the response was almost always ‘meh’. That’s just how I felt. I felt like I was giving and giving to a lot of people and not getting very much in return. I saw my calendar filling up again, I had a couple of eh to bad dates and I felt like I had absolutely no control over the boundaries I wanted to set in my life. And then a few weeks ago, I just kind of got my act back together. I set some pretty strong limits and I have thankfully stuck to them (sorry anyone who has tried to reach me after 9 and has been unsuccessful, a girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do!). I put the focus back on the things in my life that give me energy and make me feel better. I’ve taken time just for me and I’ve kept time much more open. It has helped, a lot. I wouldn’t say I’m ‘meh’ right now – I’m good. October was riddled with memory and wondering but I’ve moved through that and am choosing to put my energy into things, people and places that give me something in return.
A few years ago I did a month of gratitude for November. I’m not doing that this year but right now I am grateful for the work I have done, the energy I have spent, the friends who have listened to me bitch and moan and cry and I am grateful for the experiences of the last few years. Some of them were the toughest of my life but I learned a lot from them and I kind of think that’s the point of it all, ya know?
*"New Hampshire" - Matt Pond PA