Yesterday morning was the day after the Blizzard of 2015....that wasn't. We were all prepared to be snowed in and if Philly got more than 2 inches of snow....I'd be surprised.
I was disappointed at first. We had grand plans of doing absolutely nothing that day (and actually, most of those plans came to pass) but I was hoping to do that nothing in the midst of a blizzard. It was still something close to approaching a perfect day though, so I really won't complain....much. (there were no snowball fights....sigh)
However, yesterday morning I was lying in bed looking out the window. Wishing that massive amounts of snow would fall but also just thinking in the silence. There are silences that are deafening and scary and then there are silences that bring calm - this was the calm kind. I watched the occasional flake of snow fall and the branches blow in the breeze and I was just profoundly struck at how my life has changed. Today I re-read a blog post from a year ago and I noted how much better things were but I realize now that wasn't saying very much. Given where I was this time 2 years ago? Last year was better. Not a moment of doubt about that. But where I am today? Wow. Just wow.
There are some logistics that are...off. I don't have a job right now but I'm surviving through that. And I will find one soon enough. But more than that...I'm happy. I spent so very much of my life hating myself, feeling less than, feeling not good enough, not special. And the times when I didn't feel that way we're because someone was telling me otherwise. But that can't last. You can't spend your life relying on someone else to give you your own sense of self because people come and go - the only constant in anyone's life is them.
I am terrible at accepting compliments. Someone says something nice about me and my first instinct is to argue the counterpoint. But yesterday when someone said to me "You're really nice, do you know that?" I thought for a second and said "yes, I do know that." Because I do. I feel like it has taken me the better part of 41 years to really learn who I am. The good and the bad. But I do know there is much more good than bad and if there wasn't bad, I wouldn't be human.
And what fun would that be?
"Waiting for the Night" - Depeche Mode