The Aloft Blog

the song that saved my life

A week ago this evening we went to see Peter Gabriel in concert.  He is touring as part of the 25th anniversary of the release of the album 'So'.  I'd prefer not to think about the implications of that so I shan't.  

I have fought with depression on and off for a lot of my life but I would say the lowest years were my college years.  I wish I knew then what I know now.  I wish I had understood that staying in college between the ages of 18-22 really wasn't important.  I wish I had valued my own mental health more but alas, I didn't.

I came home the summer between freshman and sophomore year - summer of 1992.  I was so desperately sad and lonely.  I had my friends and I loved them but even surrounded my crowds I felt utterly alone.  I worked at McDonald's that summer.  For some reason I always worked the evening shift so I'd wrap up work around midnight and I would drive to a local elementary school playground.  I would bring my walkman, sit on a swing and listen to Peter Gabriel's "Don't Give Up".  Over and over and over again.  

no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up
'cos you have friends
don't give up
you're not beaten yet
don't give up
I know you can make it good

Over and over again I would listen.  Every night.  Usually for a few hours and then I'd go home and usually cry myself to sleep.  Friday night I was brought to tears again listening to this.  I knew in a moment that this song had saved my life.  Sometimes it is the simplest things.

Taking chances

Recently someone told me that I was the bravest person that they know.  I scoffed at that because brave is something I never feel.  In fact, most of the time I feel anything less than brave - I feel pretty wimpy and cowardly.  I also know though that what one feels on the inside is quite often not indicative of how you are viewed on the outside and despite the fact that we put so much weight on our interior monologues they hold no more value than what is expressed on the outside.  

This weekend I went to Seattle to surprise my best friend at his 40th birthday party.  It was one of the best things I have ever done.  The surprise on his face was just fantastic!  But that's not the point of this post.  Someone asked how my friend and I met and I said in college and he asked if I used to live on the west coast.  I have not - in fact I have never lived anywhere west of Newark, Delaware.  This person was rightfully totally confused so I explained that we had met in 1994 on line.  That was a time when such things were just unheard of but alas we did.  I was taken back to that time 18 years ago when I was young and full of all of the hope in the world.

We met in person for the first time in May of 1995.  He was on his way to Europe and had a 3 hour layover at Dulles airport in Washington DC.  I drove down that day to meet him.  It was one of the scariest thing I had ever done.  At that time there was a degree of ambiguity to our relationship and I thought that this meeting could change my life.  It did change my life in ways that I could never have imagine.  I had spent probably hundreds of hours talking to him and I knew him like the back of my hand but I didn't KNOW him.  There's a crazy story that goes along with that drive down but needless to say that when this man who I had never met but had connected so deeply walked off the plane - I was shaking.  I truly thought I would fall over but I didn't.  We spent that 3 hours together talking and keeping each other company and then he was on his way to Europe and I was on my way backup I-95.  

I have done other things in my life that required a similar amount of courage - I have married, I have changed jobs, I have thrown caution to the wind and opened my heart to love and promise so while I may not feel brave a lot of the time I know that I have done some things that I haven't thought I could handle.  And it is that knowledge that helps me do more and more scary things.

Hello 2012!

This morning I led the service at my church, the Unitarian Fellowship of West Chester and I thought I'd share what I talked about...

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I don't know how many of you make new years resolutions, but I used to be a master resolutioner. January 1 was always the chance at a new beginning. The opportunity to change every bad habit I had collected during my life. I have resolved to do most of the most popular resolutions. I have sat in exercise classes or in the middle of my closet knowing that this was the year where I'd become an exercise fiend or at least have a very organized closet. I always went into this with the best of intentions believing that just changing the year I wrote on my checks was my chance at being different. 

And like most people who take on New Years resolutions, I failed. After a few weeks I stopped going to the gym 9 times a week (yes, one year I did that for about 3 weeks) or when faced with people coming over to my house and the need to get the house in order quickly I threw stuff randomly in a closet and there it was – I had failed at my resolutions. Why bother? Who cares? No one knows this was my plan so let's just give it up. There's always next Monday, February 1 or even better – next New Years Day.

A few years ago I thought of changing how I looked at the new year. Why did I keep making resolutions only for them to fail? Why did my resolutions fail to begin with? What did I really want to achieve? Was setting myself up for an unhealthy and unrealistic goal the way to achieve those things? Once I asked myself these questions it became very obvious to me that I was looking at this all wrong. It was time to change how I looked at the new year and how I looked at my own life. 

When you think about it, New Years Day is a very arbitrary day to pick to start something new. We could go into the history of calendars but at its core, today is the start of the new year because as humans we need an organized system to run our lives. I remember when I was a kid – on the morning of my birthday my mom would wake me up and ask “so, do you feel older?” Sometimes I made up an answer because I knew what she wanted to hear but in my heart I didn't feel any different. So looking at New Years Day – I stopped myself one year and thought “why is THIS day any different than any other day? Why am I putting so much pressure on myself to change habits and patterns that are deeply worn because I bought a new calendar. 

Many of us have habits that we'd like to change. I eat too much junk food, I swear more than I should, I'd like my bedroom closet to be organized all of the time. Why do I feel the pull to pick today as the day to jump head first into these new habits. What is it that I really want? When I stop to look at these resolutions at a high level I see a pattern. What I really want in my heart and soul is to be healthier, to be more peaceful, to live in a space that reflects these ideals.

I don't know about you but I find it easier to say to myself “I'm going to go to the gym X times a week” than “I'm going to be healthier”. How many of you have heard the term SMART goals? I suspect if you've ever written or received a review at work this term has been thrown around. SMART goals are generally defined as goals that are Specific Measurable Attainable Relevant and Timely. It's a lovely mnemonic to use. And it makes sense – I use it often with the people I work with. It's tough to tell an employee or client to “do better” because how on earth do you measure that? But when you say “I want you to turn in your monthly reports by the 10^th of each month” or “I want you to spend 1 hour of uninterrupted time with your child per day” - well, those are measurable. You can look at your behaviour at the end of the day/week/month and say with certainty “yup, I did it” or “nope, I missed the bar in X or Y way”.

I think that is part of the draw of resolutions. You are going to go to the gym 5 times per week. That's specific. That's measurable. That's attainable (we'll discuss that one in a minute). That's relevant and that's timely. Great! It's a SMART goal. You're set – this is going to be your year. January 1^st you might not hit the gym – you know, it's a holiday? Your gym might not be open. You may have family parties and celebrations to attend. But tomorrow – January 2^nd! That's the day. So January 2^nd happens – you hit the gym. (along with everyone else on the planet, it seems) and you feel great. See! This resolution! It's going to be the one that sticks. Then it's the 3^rd – again, you make it. Yahooie! You are rocking this thing. All of those nay sayers who go on and on about resolutions not working – they don't know what they are talking about. They don't know you and what you want to do. Phooey on them – this is your year. And you go on just like that. You get through the first week and you've been to the gym 5 times. It was easy. Well, except that when you woke up you were tired so you decided to just go after work. Then when you got to the gym there were a ton of people there so it took you 10 minutes to find a place to park. Which is a shame because you really only have 45 minutes because you have to get home and get dinner started and work on that project for work that is due. For a second you ponder throwing in the towel and heading home. But fear not! This is your resolution and you are going to do it. Time moves forward and you are 2 or 3 weeks in. Week 3 – you only get to the gym 3 times. You had some social and professional commitments. It snowed one day and you couldn't get out to the gym. Your body was just tired and done – you hadn't had a consistent exercise program in a year and here you were shocking it into submission and one day your body just said ENOUGH and you woke up with a fever. And on and on. Before you know it February 15 rolls around and you haven't seen the front door of your gym in 3 weeks. Oh well! There it goes, you blew it. See you again next year when I try this again.

I can be slightly sarcastic and glib about this because I'm actually talking about myself. I have had all of those experiences and thoughts multiple times in my life. A few years ago I finally said to myself “stop! Why am I doing this to myself?” And most importantly “Why do these things always seem to fail?” I don't know about you but for me it always seemed that resolutions were an all or nothing proposition. In the past I have truly believed that the simple turning of the annual odometer meant that I was going to go from being a couch potato to a marathoner. Boom. New day, new year, new me. It took me a long time to realize that what I was actually doing was setting myself up for failure. I was creating those fabulous SMART goals but I was really throwing the baby out with the bathwater when it came to the attainable part. Why did I believe just because the calendar turned that who I was would change in an instant and it'd be easy to come up with a whole new me? I am sure that marketing had something to do with it. We are surrounded by a system that wants us to believe that anything is possible if we buy the right product, eat the new wonder food, join the new organization. Those things are necessarily bad things. I have bought products that have truly helped me be organized. I have changed my eating pattern to something different and have felt better. But when you put all of your eggs in that one basket, it often leads to a basket that falls apart.

So I started to think about what it is that I really wanted to achieve. What was it that I really wanted in my life. And would setting myself up for unrealistic resolutions be the best way to attain the goal. Through the very scientific method of looking at my own life it became obvious that resolutions were not the way to go. 

Now what? What if I genuinely want to make some changes? That's not a bad thing. It can be argued that we always should and could be striving to improve ourselves. But what is the most effective way to do that? For me it became clear that an all or nothing resolution wasn't the ticket. So I started to look at this differently. What if I decided to walk away from the resolutions and the smart goals and instead focus on what I really wanted and not the specific actions of that goal. What I want is to be healthy? Does that mean beating myself into submission at the gym or does that mean making small steps towards that goal – having that in mind and working with it. It doesn't mean I forego physical exercise but “being healthy” is more than just a physical state – it's emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical. If I make small steps in each of these arenas could I achieve even more than making an arbitrary resolution? And why does that even have to begin on January 1^st. Can't it begin any old day? Can't it even ebb and flow like so much in our lives?

So I began the practice of setting intentions. And I will be honest – I have had mixed success with this practice but I have certainly had more success than I have when I created strict resolutions. Let's talk about what we mean when we say setting intentions – a definition of an intention is “an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.” Or let's try to break that down a bit – perhaps something like “to have in mind a purpose or plan, to direct the mind, to aim.” Intentions can take whatever form that we might like and we can achieve them in many different ways. What I like about the idea of intentions verses resolutions is that we can be successful in lots of small ways all of the time. My resolution may be “I will go to the gym 5 days a week” while my intention may be “to be healthier by being more active.” I can certainly achieve my intention by going to the gym 5 days a week. But I can also achieve it by meeting a friend for a walk or by going for a hike with my family. To me, it seems obvious that setting the intention of something bigger gives us the room to be more successful. Plus when we open ourselves up to a new way of achieving our intentions, we have the chance to realize many more benefits than just the stated goal. Intentions allow us to draw more on what we want for our lives as a whole and less on specific tasks that we may or may not be able to do.

Now I have talked about the arbitrariness of the new year but to be honest, it is a good breaking point. At the end of 2010 I was reviewing my year and something became very clear. While 2010 was a fabulous year, I got married, I traveled, I began building a home with my husband – it became obvious to me that I was missing connection with others and with myself. I had been so focused on work and wedding that I had lost a connection with a lot of my friends and I realized that I hadn't found too many new people in my life. In December of 2010 I came across a blogger, Ali Edwards, who was offering a class called “One Little Word”. While the class was centered around scrapbooking and I'm not a fabulous archivist in that way – I loved the idea. For the past few years, Ali had chosen a word for the coming year. And she used that word as something to focus her design work on and her life as well. She had used peace, vitality, nurture, light and her word for this year is up. I felt immediately drawn to this idea. I signed up for her class – not so much for the scrapbooking component but for the support of the One Little Word idea. The group which numbered in the thousands shared their words and there were some fabulous ones in there: abundance, accept, belonging, confidence, leap, play, relax, savor. People really seemed to come at this from all different angles. So with that I selected my word for 2011 – it was connection. I had no idea how that would manifest itself in my life when I chose it. I just knew that I needed to connect more with others and more with myself. I began to tell almost anyone who would listen about this idea. I even roped a good friend of mine into it – she chose focus – and we were off to the races.

If you had told me in January of last year the power that selecting this word would have on my life, I wouldn't have believed you. Connection for me began in a few ways. I knew I needed at least 3 things – more connection with the people who have been in my life for years, more connection with new people and more connection with myself. So with that I started getting my dearest girlfriends together more often. We're all so busy with families and careers that we had let the time we spent together in years past fall to the wayside – I made it a priority for us to see each other more. And we did. Next I knew I needed to meet some new people. So without really knowing anyone that was going, I signed up for Deborah's Women's Retreat in January. The simple act of doing that has introduced me to many of you and it has been a true joy to become more involved in this community. I also made the leap to say yes to advising a group of young women at Drexel and as a result I have met some of my favourite new people. The last connection was with myself. That one has been a bit more of a challenge. You see, I have trouble saying no when asked to do things. As a result, I have often found myself at the bottom of the list. So while this small word connection connected me with others, it left me lacking a connection with myself.

I have been thinking about what I want my word for 2012 to be. 2011 was a great year and I attribute that, in a large way, to my word so I know the power of this. I knew I needed to choose this carefully. So with that my word for 2012 is me. I am not sure where this will take me but I have some intentions. I'd like to take better physical care of myself. I'd like to be better about making the time that I need to be a happier and healthy me – more time for meditation, more time for writing, more time for just being. Where else it will take me? I have absolutely no idea but I certainly look forward to the adventure.

I'd like to encourage you to come up with your own word or intention. It can be anything you want. It can be active or passive, it can be personal or global. What feels right to you? What little thought sparks a small fire in your belly? What word when you say it to yourself feels like the answer to the question you didn't even know you needed to ask? Take that word as your own for this new year and see where it takes you.  

 

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 30 - My husband

As I wrap up this month of gratitude, I decided to save the best for last.  You see, I had the good fortune of marrying a really great guy.  And today is his birthday!  Double reason to celebrate 'round these parts.  

My husband is one of the smartest people I have ever met.  I have known a lot of smart people.  But what I love best about his intelligence is his humility about it.  He doesn't gloat.  He never makes me feel dumb when I ask him things about which he knows a great deal (generally science and math).  He only gently pokes fun at my complete lack of math skills and he totally humours my need to discuss politics more than 99.9% of the world would care to even think about it.  

He's also incredibly funny.  But you have to pay attention.  My husband is one of those introverted type folks.  He isn't one to gab with people, he isn't a huge conversationalist but he is a keen observer and has said some of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life.  But you gotta pay attention.  

He takes great care of me and our life.  It took me a long time to realize that I could really count on him.  That when I asked something of him - it would be done without me having to hound him or bug him or downright brow beat him.  Occasionally I will still question it - still not trust but then he'll show up and just be who he says he is and do what he says he will and I am reminded that I am silly to continue to question.  Some old habits die hard.  

He indulges most of my weirdness, gives me the space to explore different ideas and things and never (ok very rarely) looks at me like I'm a lunatic.

So on this last day of November, I wish my sweet husband a very happy birthday - even if he is a guy who isn't a fan of birthdays.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 29 - Miracles

Miracles are a dicey thing.  When I think of miracles I think of angels and God and likely a Catholic church.  I am not Catholic.  I don't believe in a Christian God and I'm not so sure about the existence of angels.

But I firmly believe in miracles.  I think that there are tiny miracles that we see every day.  I know that I miss most of them and I suspect that you do too.  A beautiful sunrise.  A flower.  A smile.  Miracles are every where and it takes a conscious effort to not only notice them but to see them for the miracle that they are.  

Growing up, I really wasn't someone who believed in miracles much.  Miracles to me would have been my parents reuniting or the kids at school being nice to me.  Miracles would have been our family not struggling financially and the little kids in Africa not starving.  I wished for those kinds of miracles all of the time and they were very rarely realized.  I learned early on in my life that wishing for a miracle to happen isn't enough to make it so.  Sometimes it takes something bigger.

Seven years ago today, I learned first hand that miracles absolutely do happen.  I try to be thoughtful of the stories of others when I write here so I will say this.  A dear friend of mine delivered her daughter much earlier than babies should be born.  In the process of that little girl's birth, her mother was very ill. That little girl, well, she's one hell of a fighter and after nearly 3 months in the NICU she came home and she's been a force ever since.  She's a little peanut - and she seems to catch most every cold that comes down the pike - but man she is just a force of energy.  She is one of the best kids I have ever met.  She's funny as hell, smart as a whip, sweet, thoughtful, kind and beautiful.  And when I come to her house she runs from almost any corner to give me a hug.  How awesome is that?  

So as Maya celebrates her 7th birthday today -- I know with great certainty that miracles happen.  And we're all so grateful for them!

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 27 - My Parents

Today would be my parents 41st wedding anniversary.  I always have a feeling I'm the only person who marks this milestone.  I am still very aware of my first wedding anniversary when it passes but I can imagine after being out of a relationship for 35 years that those details would fade away.  I am very aware of the date because without it, I wouldn't be here.  

There is an obvious gratefulness I feel for my parents for my very being.  My parents were only together for about 6 years - 4 of which I shared with them.  They hadn't known each other very long when they married which is an easy thing to point to when figuring out the end of their marriage.  But that isn't the point here.  I am grateful for my parents marriage and I am grateful that they are my parents.  

For as long as I can remember, my mom has always been there.  ALWAYS.  She taught me what it meant to be loved totally and completely.  While I am pretty sure my mom would quickly tell you I am her most favourite person in the world, she wasn't one of those moms who thought I did absolutely no wrong.  I may have been the perfect daughter for her, she never let me think I was perfect.  And as strange as it may sound, I am very grateful for that.  She kept me in check about my strengths and weaknesses and no matter what was my biggest champion.  From early on in my life it was just the 2 of us.  My aunt was there for a while but in real terms it was just the 2 of us.  Put very simply, my mom rocks.

My dad and I had a much more difficult relationship.  I didn't live with him from the age of 4 on - he went back to school when I was a kid and as a result was absent for a good deal of my life and my experiences.  We have had a lot of ups and downs in our time together but I'd say we've been on the up swing for a good while now.  I get a lot of my personality from my dad and I look just like him - my love of politics?  Purely my dad.  It took us a long time to learn how to be a good father/daughter pair and I'm really grateful that we finally got there.

Most of us are shaped most deeply by our parents so I celebrate the people who brought me into this world and made me the person I am today.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 26 - Conestoga High School

Until the 8th grade, I attended small, private schools.  The school I attended from 4th to 8th grade ended at 8th grade so my parents had to come up with a plan for me - where to go to high school.  I wanted to go to boarding school like most of my friends were doing.  My parents had neither the financial resources or inclination to send me to boarding school.  My second choice was the local Catholic high school.  Again, my parents put the kibosh on that one.  So then it was public school and my parents decided that I should go to either Conestoga or Radnor high school, 2 of the best public schools in the Philadelphia area and consistently in the top 5 public schools in the state.  Once my mom found us a house in Wayne, PA - my fate to attend Conestoga was sealed.  

And I was pissed.

You see - my private schooling had given me many great gifts, the strongest and not necessarily the greatest among them?  I high level of snobbery about education.  Put frankly, at the ripe old age of 13, I was thoroughly convinced I was too good for public school.  

I remember my first day of 9th grade at Valley Forge Intermediate School vividly - I remember what I wore, who I met etc but what I remember most is that I shook all day.  You see, my previous schools had been very small.  There were 10 people in my 8th grade class.  9th grade?  About 250 kids and I was scared to death.  Also, within about a week I realized that my public school snobbishness was truly ridiculous.  I met smart people -- really smart people -- people who were a whole lot smarter and more academically advance than I was.  After a few weeks, I settled into a routine and found my groove.

Conestoga was my next school landing place - our district had a middle or intermediate school that went to 9th grade and then high school was 10th through 12th grade.  Conestoga was an even bigger place with even more impressive students, teachers and programs.  I know that a lot of people hated high school.  I know that a lot of my friends didn't like Conestoga but I loved it.  I had the most amazing friends, I love most of my classes (math and science being the exception) - I loved all of the activities I participated in, I loved the people that I got to know and I loved the opportunities that were available to me.  Without sounding over the top ridiculous, I felt truly blessed to be there.  

Saturday night I joined a large group of my friends at our 20th high school reunion.  It was an absolutely delight to go.  It was great fun to connect with people I hadn't seen in years, catch up with folks and see where people wound up and be with a large group of folks with a common thread.  There were some moments when it was truly surreal to be standing there.  High school can feel like a very finite universe at times and the people there can seem like the vast majority of the people in the world.  Coming back to that 20 years later was a trip -- my world is much bigger now but there are still people who for a time I spent every school day with - some of whom I am sure have no idea who I was and some of whom are my best friends today.  

One thing I know for sure is that my time and experience at Conestoga was something that shaped me and the person I would become and for that, I am grateful.

 

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 25 - Self-care

If you had asked me 15 years ago to articulate my self-care to you - I would have been struck mute.  I spent most of my energy taking care of everyone else.  I believed for a very long time that in order to have any worth, I had to prove that I was worth keeping around because of the care I gave to others.  It wasn't until I was out on my own, doing my own thing that I realized that this plan that I had made for myself was not going to work.  I was completely run ragged, I was in terrible emotional and physical health and I had absolutely no idea who I was or what I was worth to myself or anyone else.  

There wasn't really an a-ha moment -- it was more of a gradual process.  It was about listening to myself, trusting my intuition, telling my story and being present.  Meditation played a role.  A lot of soul searching played a role and the knowledge of wanting something more.

It isn't a perfect practice, by a long shot - but I know that the person I am today is much healthier and happier than the person I was many years ago because I take the time to listen to myself and my own needs.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 24 - Thanksgiving

My gratitude for Thanksgiving is very simple -- I am grateful that I got to make a meal and celebrate my very favourite holiday with my family. 

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 23 - Planning

Years ago I went to Las Vegas with a large group of my friends...one of whom was my best friend Jon.  He challenged me to go on this trip and not plan anything.  I think I actually laughed out loud at him for that one.  First of all, I was coordinating 13 people for a weekend -- I couldn't not plan.  But more than that?  I am absolutely incapable of not planning.  

I go on vacations with a folder with every piece of information we might need, every thing that we need to see.  I write lists upon lists. My first question of my husband on a random weekend day is quite often "what's the plan for today?"

While I have been accused of being an over-planner, one thing that most people don't realize is that on most occasions I do not care WHAT the plan is I just need to know what it is, if that makes sense.  I can generally go with the flow as long as someone tells me what the flow may be.  It's an odd mix of being a control freak and yet being easy going.  It's an interesting line to walk but I think that most of the time I pull it off relatively well.