I wanna hold you, but I know you won’t be there;
I reach out my empty hand but all I touch is air.
I'm only gonna say it once;
I loved you more than I can bear,
You tear my soul apart.
Your cold heart.
"Creature of Habit" - Knots and Crosses
In college, my dear friend Meredith made me a mix tape. Remember mix tapes? I made so many amazing mixes for people to express so many things – love, concern, hatred….seriously, the right mix of songs can express almost anything you want. Some songs that are still some of my favourites come from the mix she made me. She knows my taste in music quite well. One of the songs was called “Come Up For Air” by a band called Knots and Crosses. Knots and Crosses is very long defunct but their music still remains some of my favourite.
I have recently been putting together a playlist. I often revisit old playlists and it can tell me so much about the time when I made it. My general process for creating a list (not much different than my old mixed tape process) is to put a bunch of songs together – listen and then move things around, thin the herd, add new songs until it is the perfect (or close to it) reflection of where I am. Some lists are so steeped in memory that I can’t go back to them (November 2012 is the perfect example of that) and some just make me happy remembering where I was (Winter 2010 is the perfect example of that).
So I’ve been working on the current play list. I decided to delve back into Knots and Crosses to see if something there fit for right now and I was reminded of a song “Creatures of Habit”. A snippet of the lyrics are noted above. This is a song that I used to belt out at the top of my lungs while driving (and that’s another post, for sure. There is a HUGE list of those songs!) And honestly, until yesterday, I had forgotten about it. Then this morning as I drove to meet a friend for our Thursday morning walk, I belted it out again and it had such a different resonance for me than it had in the past. It was still a great song to sing with all of your heart in the car but it also was the perfect description of things I have felt in the recent past.
It was also a moment to reflect on how truly far I have come in the last many months. While the lyrics held true and damn near screaming them felt very good, it was also nice to remember that it is possible to move through and passed things. That even when pain is the most all-consuming, you can be sure that it will get better, it will diminish and you will be ok again. This time last year, I never thought I’d be ok again. I never thought I could have more than a fleeting moment of happy and I NEVER thought I’d be capable of doing anything other than loathe myself. I look back on the calendar to see where I was a year ago and I can see the downward slide that got me to Arlington, VA on October 12 – in so many ways the day that began to change everything. There was still further down to go but it was the start of finding my way out of the abyss that felt as if it was sucking me in.
It is so nice to know that sometimes the world is not what it seems….
*"Creatures of Habit" - Knots and Crosses