I had a dream a few weeks ago. In a dream that felt like it lasted all night, I was visited by someone no longer in my world but still very important to me. I love dreams like that - it feels like I'm being visited by someone, like I actually am spending real time with them. In my dream I wanted to ask if I was missed but I didn't. I was afraid. I was afraid the mere question would bring the end to the visit. I was afraid that the answer would be no. I was afraid of my own voice. I feared that my own voice, speaking my own need would ruin the moment so even in my own dream, I stayed quiet.
I have been thinking about this ever since. I read a blog post by the lovely Mara Glatzel about fearing taking up space. Immediately, I knew how she felt. I spend an incredible amount of time and energy worrying about bothering people, about taking up too much space (literally and figuratively), about even suggesting that my need could possible be more important than someone else's. I dull myself. A lot. I try to fade into the background so as not to be very noticed. I want to be noticed, I ache to be noticed but I don't want to be TOO noticed. If I am too noticed than someone could see the flaws and some days I feel like there is absolutely nothing but flaw.
There are a few things I have been working on - internal things. Shifts, changes, progressions. I don't know what you want to call them but it has been good. It has been tough but it has been good.
I have flaws. A lot of them. But so does everyone else.
I have needs. A lot of them. But so does everyone else.
I have fears. A lot of them. But so does everyone else.
As I have done this work, my tolerance for drama and bullshit has been at an all time low. And that is likely a very good thing. I find myself less worried about being liked and more concerned with being who I am, sharing who I am and being transparent. Hiding is tough. Not telling my story is tough even when the story itself is tragic. I still have anxiety about a lot of things but I keep reminding myself - people don't die of fear, they don't die of doing tough things. If doing hard things killed people, I would have been dead long ago. Hard things are worth doing.
I wear a lot of silver jewelry. I am well versed in the process of polishing it to keep it from looking dull and tarnished. The work now is to figure out how to do that for myself. How to be comfortable enough to stop disappearing into the shadows and not be scared to be seen, to speak for my needs and my truth and to be ok with not being ok.
*"Little White Dove" - Jess Klein